Well good

I hope I can intimidate somebody like the tribe of OBs that is deluded by current maternity care practices.

What's Your True Color?

My Result: Black

Your color is black. The color of night. Serene and mysterious, black conjures up images of elegant evening gowns, dashing tuxedos, and gleaming limousines. Traditionally a symbol of success, black also represents power and an uncompromising demand for perfection. Not surprisingly, you tend to set challenging goals for yourself and do whatever it takes to achieve them — your strength of character is second to none. This unfaltering determination, along with your natural elegance, impresses people. But keep in mind that your personality might be intimidating to some. Try to temper your demanding side with a little softness — trust us, it won't kill you. Overall, though, black is the color of professionalism and achievement, which means it's clearly the color for you.

Take this test >

I found trouble

I recently read the book "Expecting Trouble" by Dr. Thomas Strong, Jr., an OB who calls out the American system of providing intensive prenatal care to pregnant women. He calls attention to the number of prenatal visits typically done in other developed countries, with better infant and mother outcomes in the US. The main point of the book is that prenatal care has been proven to do nothing to improve outcomes for women or reduce the incidence of prematurity and other complications of pregnancy.

So why do we, as pregnant women go upwards of 14 prental visits when we are expecting perfectly healthy babies and are experiencing perfectly healthy pregnancies?

For many women, prental visits 5 -10 minutes with the OB or doctor. More time is spent in the waiting room and with the nursing assistant, just for the doctor to pop in, brush the expecting mother off and reschedule for next month.

Anyone else recall those experiences as a waste of time?

What Dr. Strong didn't mention in his book is the possible connection between increased number of prenatal visits and increased rates of "complications." The title of the book addresses it, though. Is the maternity care system in the US "expecting trouble" in intensively monitorring and looking for problems in populations of low risk, healthy women? Is the system overestimating the seriousness of complications or minor derivations from normal in higher risk women?

How can women respond when learning that the prenatal care expected of them is excessive? Do they avoid prenatal care all together, as an unnecessary production? Or become choosy about which appointments to attend and consciously refrain from the whole schedule?

Imagine being the woman who only sparadically shows up to the "schedule" prenatals. What would the practice's social worker have to say about that?

Some women do their own prenatal care. I'd include the link to the Unhindered Living website on the topic, but alas, it has been moved with no redirecting address.For more broad spectrum of childbirth topics covered on the site: look here.
Maybe the links will get working again soon.

Dr Strong raises some interesting questions. The answers he provides are obviously unwelcome to the general obstretrical community. Move prenatal care into the domain of nurse midwives (he refuses to recognize the possibility of Licensed Midwives or Certified Professional Midwives)and then reduce the number of prental visits to a schedule more like European models. He also advocates using prenatal visits as educational opportunities to inform and prepare women for birth. He even hints at counseling women for social risk factors like income level, marital status, abusive relationships, etc.

All that's not going to be covered in 5-10 minutes, now is it?

My experiences of PTSD after childbirth

Some of my friends may have noticed that I have not been myself in the last few weeks. There are a lot of reasons for this, some of which I understand and I'm sure some I don't. Since Willem was born, I have been plagued with memories from his birth. I have experienced flashbacks where memories loop over and over again and I cannot stop them. I experience flashes of anger as I recall the way I was treated by the hospital staff. I can recount the ways in which I felt violated, belittled, and ignored. These feelings are strongest when I'm trying to fall asleep at night so I have spent many times (such as this one) awake, struggling to fall asleep but I can't because I cannot get these thoughts out of my head.

For many months, I couldn't talk about my experiences or even birth in general without a flood of memory. My husband and I would spend hours whenever the topic came up (which was frequently) going over the time when I was laboring to give birth to our son. A couple of times, my sleepless nights resulted in my husband being awoken by my crying and then together we would talk through the whole experience again.

I was sad and hurt because of the treatment I received but afraid that other women everyday since then, maybe even as I'm writing this, are experiencing the same type of degradation and disrespect. I don't want that to happen to another woman and so I know that some action is needed to prevent it.

I began considering becoming a midwife so I could ensure that I never was as insensitive to a laboring woman's needs as the midwives who were responsible for my prenatal care, labor and delivery. I realized that they weren't responsible for my care and my ability to give birth. They were supposedly assisting me in my responsibility as a woman, and a new mother. I wanted to be sure that I was also a help and a support, not an authoritarian, imposing figure of punishment and manipulation. I quickly realized that I am not prepared or willing for a complete career and educational change as going into the medical field from child development. But I realized that the role of a doula or labor assistant would be a complimentary type of family and parenting education to the type of educator that I am already trained to be. I started looking into the educational requirements that a doula needs to be certified and found that a strong understand of the physiological process of birthing as well as the ability to comfort and support a laboring woman in the way she feels she needs to be comforted is necessary. So I started researching and learning about the process of birth, how it is best accomplished without medical interventions and "aggressive management."

In this period of learning and thinking of changing direction in my education, I began to be more verbal about my experience which I realized could be considered traumatic since I was still dealing with negative emotional effects from it. I joined some online groups for women who dealt with traumatic birth experiences and found that I was not alone. I knew I was not depressed because I only became angry or hurt when recalling those events, and did not feel down at any other time. In my research and learning, I discovered that it is not uncommon for women who endured difficult birth experiences to display symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I read some the definitions and descriptions and found that I do display many of those symptoms. Since realizing that, it seems that a Pandora's Box of recollection and feeling has been opened. The thoughts and memories that once plagued me intermittently now wouldn't go away. They were always there, on the periphery of every thought and action of my day. I had a diagnosis, a reason, an explanation for why I was broken and dysfunctional.

I was able to give birth to my beautiful almost 7 pound baby without drugs and in a hostile environment where I had people telling me that I couldn't give birth without drugs, that I would need to be induced, that they—"the experts", the doctors, midwives and nurses—could take over and make my body do what it couldn't do on its own. But I believed that my body was capable of giving birth safely, naturally, without the "help" of interventions that could potentially harm me or my baby. And because I was able to be strong, to stand my ground and endure, I was treated that there was something wrong with me. That if I didn't receive their "help," my baby would be hurt, or killed or that I could die. And then I come away from that experience knowing that I can allow a baby to grow within my body and then pass through my body as he/she enters the world, feeling vindicated. I learned that it can be done, that it's not scary, or unbearable. But I was still scarred. By people who instead of helping me though a time of tremendous effort and concentration did everything in their power to make it harder for me, by insisting I remain in positions that are empirically shown to be ineffective and more difficult for a laboring woman, by pushing drugs and interventions that are shown to increase the occurrences of complications and needed interventions, when I could do it on my own. I needed people who would offer me confidence, strength, encouragement and measures to help me be more comfortable to make the process easier. Instead they made the whole experience harder and as I come to find out—traumatic.

And then there are other issues. Why am I having such a hard time putting this experience behind me when other women have experienced much worse? Giving birth to a child is always an emotional event and every woman I know has been able to put it behind her. No one that I know of has ever "suffered" long lasting emotional effects like I have. So what's wrong with me? This sense of inadequacy is probably why its taken so long for me to start talking about this with other women, especially other women who have given birth and are mothers.

Another thing that has kept me from talking about this experience (outside of the people who were there) is that it's been too painful for me to do so. I still have a hard time talking about it without breaking down, yelling, crying and having the bitter resurgence of anger rise up within me. I've even tried to refrain from talking about it with my husband and my friend who acted as my doula because I don't want to annoy or alienate them. I don't want to expose people whom I love and care for to a flood of negative emotion, anger and drama. I'm also especially cautious to share my feelings with friends who have not yet had children or encountered the mentality of doctors and hospital staff when it comes to pregnancy and birth. I don't want to scare them.

A couple of weeks ago, I was finally able to express to the hospital where Willem was born that their staff may have been responsible for the maltreatment of me as a patient. In telling my story to the nurse manager, I was very proud of myself that I was able to remain calm. Upon hearing my description of the events, she promised me that she would call a review board with all the midwives and supervisory OBs to review my case as it sounded to her like there was some breech of hospital policy and violations of my rights as a patient. I have been waiting to hear about the results of that meeting (it will be in the form of a letter that will tell me nothing, but I still want to know that it happened). In the last two weeks, my emotional distress has reached a new height causing me to act in ways that I wouldn't typically act.

I have become very vocal about distrust for doctors, especially OBs, midwives and nurses and the medical interventions they routinely offer to laboring women, as well as my disappointment in the number of women who trust their doctors without understanding the potential risks of those interventions. I had learned some about the side effects of interventions in childbirth and knew that I didn't want to expose myself or my baby to them. I also looked at childbirth in a spiritual way—women were created by a Divine Creator who made women's bodies to be capable of giving birth without medical interventions and put medical technology on the earth to help treat women and babies in case something went wrong. I believe in the power of women to carry, nourish and birth their babies and I was sad to hear of so many of my sisters who were so scared of the pain of childbirth and instead opted for an "easier" way. Even though that easier way often leads to complications that make the whole process more difficult and potentially damaging to mothers and babies. Some women I talked to experienced stalled labor, C-sections, seizures, long term pain and difficulties, had babies born who were not breathing or had to spend weeks in the NICU because of the "care" they received. I am worried about my friends and the countless other women who are not informed of the potential side effects of standard ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />OB care during childbirth. Since I had a difficult experience without any of that, I just don't want anyone to experience anything similar or worse to my experience.

I feel that I was spared from a set of problems that I would rather do without. Because of the curvature of my spine (scoliosis) I am pretty confident that an epidural would not have been able to be placed properly in my spine so the likelihood of nerve damage and the resulting complications were high for me. I consulted with my chiropractor on this and was validated in my concern. Her professional recommendation was that it was a good thing that I didn't get the epidural.

Who knows is this explanation is helpful in explaining my actions of the last few weeks. I am seeking help to deal with the PTSD. I start meeting with a psychologist on Wednesday and hopefully, I'll be able to let go of the anger and hurt and I feel. I want to be able turn that bad experience into something good and channel my energies into making birthing more comfortable and safer for other women. I also know that I can turn to my Savior to find comfort and peace, where he can help me let go of my grief because he has suffered it for me. Unfortunately, it's not as simple as it is to say it. There is a process that I need to work though and I am making progress and starting to be able to move forward.

Many of my current decisions are being based on that experience to make things better. The main reason why I am seeing a chiropractor is to reduce the curve of my spine so my next labor will not have as much back labor. My current focus in my scripture study is to understand more about the resources God intends to use for our health and well-being, part of that the use of drugs in childbirth. As I also talked about, I'm studying a new area for my education as I am working to become a doula. I'm also starting research on PTSD that occurs after a traumatic birth experience and how it can be prevented in the future. One of the big answers to that question is by having supportive, sensitive birth attendants (doulas in particular), which is a big reason why I'm heading in that direction.

I hope I have not offended anyone with my actions of the last few weeks. I am trying to make sense of a difficult period of my life and that is why I've written this explanation—to explain to my friends why I've said and done some of the things that I have. I hope you can understand.

Myspace is at it again

Breastfeeding in public is legal in all 50 states, and therefore exempt from public indecency and nudity laws.

Why then does Myspace think that images of breastfeeding is pornographic? And why are they censoring photos of mothers nursing their infants and toddlers?

What about images of birthing? Especially in light of the multitude of content on Myspace depicting nudity and videos depicting the act of sex?

My baby was born early 2007 and the first roundof Breastfeeding censorship by Myspace was big news at that time. I'm surprised that they are back at it again. An online petition was circulated. Currently there are over 10,000 signatures. And according to Birth Without Boundaries, the ACLU is now on board.

So here I am, recirculating the petition and getting it going around again. Myspace needs to listen to mothers that giving babies the best nurtrition available in the world and the educational videos and images of birth are not indecent.

Bodily preparations

With Willem's birth, I experienced many hours of back labor. It could have been from the stressful, contentious environment at the hospital (because it wasn't until that started that the back labor started), or and more likely, is that he was positioned strangely where his body was pressing against my spine in a way causing discomfort and pressure.

After he was born, I started taking my family to the chiropractor where Dr. Vevoda informed me that sciolisis can lead to back labor. I was first diagnosed with scoliosis when I was 13 years old. The curvature was never to a great enough degree where something medical could be done (aka braces or spinal fusion surgery). Dr. Vevoda told me of another method of straightening the spine which is sustained traction over time. I decided to go ahead with the treatment with the hopes that correcting the curve as much as possible would make back labor less likely for my next pregnancy.

I started the 36 appointment or 4 month treatment looking like this:



The measurement of the curve at the start of treatment was 27 mm away from "straight." After treatments, the apex of the curve was brought closer to where it should be, by 9 mm. Here is the after picture:



Look closely at the red lines to see the difference.

I had really good result with that round of treatment and I have the option of going back for another round to get more results. We'll see which comes first...a straighter spine or another baby.

What they don't tell you about CSections

In a recent Mothering Magazine article, the writer shares the following risks of C Section, which often are undisclosed to women when being told they need one.

1. A woman is five to seven times more likely to die from a cesarean delivery than from a vaginal delivery.

2. A woman having a repeat C-section is twice as likely to die during delivery.

3. Twice as many women require rehospitalization after a C-section than after a vaginal birth.

4. Having a C-section means higher rates of infertility, ectopic pregnancy, and potentially severe placental problems in future pregnancies.

5. Babies born after an elective cesarean delivery (i.e., when labor has not yet begun) are four times more likely to develop persistent pulmonary hypertension, a potentially life-threatening condition.

6. Between one and two babies of every hundred delivered by C-section will be accidentally cut during the surgery.

7. The US is tied for second-to-last place with Hungary, Malta, Poland, and Slovakia for neonatal mortality in the industrialized world.

8. Babies born via C-section are at high risk for not receiving the benefits of breastfeeding.

9. The risk of death to a newborn delivered by C-section to a low-risk woman is 1.77 deaths to 1,000 live births. The risk of death to a newborn delivered vaginally to a low-risk woman is only 0.62 per 1,000 live births.

See full article here.

Another finding that greatly disturbed me since it affected me personally is that women are more likely to experience ectopic pregnancies or spontaneous abortions in subsequent pregnancies after a C Section. Women who previously had a C-section are more likely to have a stillborn child in subsequent pregnancies.

That finidng cuts me to the quick because I was born a C-Section baby (not medically necessary, breech presentation) and my mother's next pregnancy, my little brother, ended in a stillbirth. I don't feel guilt, persay, for being a C-section baby. Its not my fault that the US maternity care system in 1984 (and now) doesn't know how to birth breech babies, and it wasn't my fault that my mother wasn't more informed. But I feel hurt and in some way that my birth was tarnished and my only sibling lost because of something that involved me. Learning that finding brought the grief of knowing that I had a little brother and lost him back into my mind and more painful now that I know what having a child is all about.

I grieve for my mother all over again that she had to deal with the recovery from major abdominal surgery while adjusting to life with a newborn and then two years later face depression and grief when her second child died before being born.

I feel empathy for those women who regret the C-sections they've had or who had one and didn't want it, because those women shoulder the guilt, anger and sometimes trauma of that experience which is then compounded when their next birth and pregnancy does not yield a healthy baby.

They don't tell you that these things can happen (and more frequently do) when offering the consent form and schedulign for a C-section. Imagine what the C-section rate would be in this country if they did.

The Midwife Search

After my experience with CNMs (Certified Nurse Midwives) in a hospital setting, I feel very strongly that I cannot plan another birth in a hospital. That leaves me with two other settings: a dedicated birth center or at home. The attendants at births in those settings are midwives, whether LMs or CNMs. They are also much more likely to support the Midwifery Model of Care. That's the standard of care I thought I would be getting from the UW Midwives program, but I was mistaken and suffered because of my own ignorance.

This time around, I am interviewing potential midwives BEFORE I get pregnant so I don't feel any pressure to pick one because I have a time bomb in my uterus with a deadline. I started doing internet searches in my area. Living in Seattle(home of the pioneering Seattle Midwivery School), there are lots of midwives around.

Most out of hospital midwives will provide a free consultation appointment where a woman can interview with questions and get a feeling for a particular midwife's philosophy and style. I learned its important to be able to trust a midwife at the vulnerable time during labor and birth where a woman needs loving support and is easily open to suggestion.

Here is a sample of the questions I asked:

How do you employ the Midwifery Model of Care in your practice?

How do you empower women?

What positions do you suggest for birthing?

How do you support a laboring woman?

If a transfer is needed, what do you do? Where to?

What complications necessitate a transport?

Describe the prenatal care.


I interviewed four midwives initially and got enough information where I felt I could compare and choose of those four which I felt most comfortable. Tentatively, I have chosen one who also provides Naturopathic care to families and children. However, the search does continue while I continue to think through my wants while weighing what I feel is safest for me and my next baby.

The Mama Milk

Willem has always loved what I call the mama milk. He's a snob about his milk like Peter and I are snobs about chocolate. Willem has typically refused formula so he's always gotten breastmilk except on one or two occasions, and even then he'll only take it if mixed with breastmilk. Recently, he's starting doing some really cute things to tell me how much he likes the mama milk.

The newest thing is "talking" to my nipple when I'm breastfeeding him. He will be nursing, stop, look at my nipple until he goes almost crosseyed and then babble. It usually sounds something like "Wab, wab, blab, blab, blab." Then he'll look up and smile at me. It melts my heart.

Another cute, breastfeeding related thing (hey, good food is a powerful motivator!) is that he has learned to recognize some words. Milk being one of them. He loves his mama milk. When he's hungry, he will usually start grunting at me and pulling on my clothes. Pretty much general excitement ensues. I then ask him if he wants milk and I show him the sign for milk. (Its opening your hand and then closing it in a fist repeatedly--imagine that, its like milking a cow!) When I asks him that, the excitement level usually increases until he's at the breast and content.

So basically this blog is my expression that I love breastfeeding my baby. I was so proud of myself that he was so healthy and strong just off my breastmilk before he started solid food. Just because he eats lots of different foods now doesn't mean that he doesn't still need the mama milk. Breastfeeding has taught me to be amazed at the woman's body. Between producing a perfect and powerful food for babies and incubating and then birthing babies, a woman's body is amazing and wonderful!

We have made it almost 10 months in our breastfeeding relationship and I know it'll keep on going for awhile to come. I have no plans of weaning him before 2 years old, if he weans himself, I'll be sad but okay with it because it will be his decision.

Attachment Parenting: A Weight Loss Method?

I have officially lost 55 pounds since being pregnant with Willem. The last time I weighed what I weigh now was when I was 12. I didn't know that I could weigh what I do. One time my grandpa told me that my grandma liked to diet and stay thin, but he often felt like she was too thin. He said that he liked her most when she weighed 146 pounds. I made it a goal to never get below that because I always thought that my grandma looked great and if grandpa said that was the weight she looked best at, I believed him. Well, now I'm below that. I could lose a few more pounds and still be healthy, but I'm not pushing it and I don't want to lose more than another 10. Of course, there are differences between me and my grandma. She was about an inch taller than me, so she would need more weight to porportionally match her frame.

And really what matters most is that I am healthy and not how much I weigh. And to be honest, I am at the healthiest point of my life so far. I am regularly exercising and eating well. If you ask family and friends, I eat ALOT, but I try to have it be a healthful diet of lots of veggies and whole grains.

To be honest, I can contribute my weight loss to my parenting style. I breastfeed Willem so my body is producing the calories he needs and its using my excess fat stores to do it. I also wear him when we take walks so I'm get weight resistance training while getting a cardio workout. Its like I'm wearing 20 pounds of ankle and wrists weights on my torso. I also make a goal to walk to the majority of places that I go and in Seattle its easy to do that with the scarcity of free parking. If I can walk somewhere, I'll do it. If its too far to walk, I can take a bus and that requires walking too as I get to bus stops and my destination. Another thing is bed sharing. Willem sleeps in our bed with us (we've got the crib set up as a sidecar) and he nurses throughout the night. I barely need to wake up and he's helping my body burn through even more calories. And its been working for me. Obviously. I'm now 25 pounds below my prepregnancy weight.

So really, who knew that attachment parenting could be a way to lose weight?

An Applicable Quote

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."
~G.B. Shaw, Mrs. Warren's Profession, 1893

Women across the United States are doing this. They are not going to be victim to the circumstances of hospital and interventionist birth, but they will make the circumstances they want: where they can birth peacefully, safely and lovingly without a whole political machine crashing on around them.

Ina May Gaskin is an excellent example of a woman who is making those circumstances. She taught herself the art of midwifery because it had all but died out in the United States by the 1970's. And the women who travel across country to give birth attended by her are making their circumstances that they want not just for the sake of getting what they want but because its empirically shown that its better for women and babies.

Individuals are working to change the circumstances of their maternity care, myself included. Organizations are helping support these efforts. More and more women (and men) are becoming midwives, the optimal caregivers for the majority of pregnant women. The licensing and governing boards of certifying organizations are facilitating that process. Birthing centers are becoming more accessible to more women. National and international governing bodies are reinforcing these efforts.

I hope to be a part of the bands of organizations, individual professionals and the scores of mothers looking for something better. And I am trying to find my path in making those circumstances come to pass.