Baby Dance

Lately, I've been yearning for a baby. I can feel it deep in my uterus. My body is wanting to birth another baby. I am happy for all the friends and moms I hear are pregnant and I congratulate them. At the same time, I wish I could be pregnant again too. I have been slightly frustrated by remaining infertile as I've been breastfeeding. Shorter lutuel phases are making conception unlikely. My husband's and my efforts are turned to prayer that soon we will be able to conceive again. Last night a wrote a poem that manifests my desire:

Dance with me, spritely child.
Dwelling in my fertile womb,
At my breast so full with milky white moonlight
And wrapped in my arms.
Together we dance
First your father and I, warm breath and tangled limbs
Gentle words and loving carresses
Next you and me
The fluid dance of red-gloden light.
The motions build as we coordinate our moves.
Shifting, swaying, turning, twisting.
Daddy steps in again with strong hands
and the strength to hold us all.
Gently, with excitment, exuberance and toil
We call out to each other- "Let us Meet!"
To dance with each other outside the womb.
At that pinnacle, we dance some more.
Welcomed feet first, head first
-however you choose to dance into this world.
Our rhythms matched and adapting to each other
While the hum of angelic energy brightens the air.
And then, you are at my breast.
Curled against our warm bodies
And cradled in our arms.
To sway and shift throughout our days
And through our nights.
Just as we did the night you were born.

Back to Blogging

Its been over a month since I've posted last. I missed the uprorr about AMA's and ACOG's efforts to ban homebirth but I did hear a little mention of it in the times I was able to pull myself away from my work. My brief opinion on that: they will not be successful in lobbying Congress because legislation like that is so blatantly a violation of individual freedom as well as obvious attempts to monopolize their business and shut down their competition. However, the birth community cannot stand by and hope that their efforts will fail. Birth activists have the responsibility to let their collective voice be heard and to state the research in support of homebirth and midwifery.

And now to update on my goings-on. In early June, I was busy packing and getting ready for our summer of learning. I then spent three weeks in Hawaii taking the last two classes for my M.Ed. program. The topics covered were policy making, advocacy and collaboration within the field of early childhood education. Since I started the program and my experiences of becoming a mother, my focus has shifted to earlier in child development to the perinatal and infancy period. The information covered in my classes were helpful to me as a birth advocate because I could apply the lessons to needed policy changes and my efforts to work with the birth community to improve the way birth is treated and respected in our country.

While in Hawaii, I was in class 8 hours a day. Willem stayed with my best friend since fourth grade and they went to the beach often and bussed around Honolulu with each other. After class, I would go join them wherever they were so I was lucky to go to the beach at least 3 or 4 times a week.

When we first got there, Willem was afraid of the waves and the ocean. I can understand that fear. Being short like he is and rushing water that has the power to knock him over, he clung to me like the little koala I frequently call. That fear lasted all of 2 days. The next time he went to the beach, the waves were a little calmer and he discovered how good the water felt. It was soon after that he discovered that he could run into the ocean, kick the waves and splash. Within a couple of days, he started walking out as far as he could go, up to his chin. He also noticed the older children playing around them as they floated on inflatable rafts, body boarded and swam with boogie boards. He wanted to be like them. One day he noticed a three year old with the inflatable arm rings and tried to swim like her. It was then I decided to invest the $0.89 for the floaties. That's when he took off. He was an independent kid with those. He would only get out of the water when it started getting dark, or he was hungry or tired. He took a few naps on the beach. Needless to say my little beach baby got tanner and blonder through his play.

As for me, I still have plenty of work to do to finish my degree. To complete my classes, I need to write two research papers. I also need to finish writing up my thesis. I'm on track for graduation. I plan to defend my thesis in time for my birthday and then return to Hawaii in December to walk with my class and be hooded.

The Birth Survey is also getting close to its national launch, so I will be working on preparations for that. Between my graduate program, the Birth Survey, Solace and Willem, I will be a busy mama this summer. I will make efforts to keep up to date with the birth world and post my thoughts here as I have time.

Becoming A Transitional Character

I learned about transitional characters in a family studies course in college. The term mostly was applied to breaking the cycle of abuse or alcoholism in families, but I recently realized that it can be applied birthing traditions in families as well.

The definition of transitional characters was originally given by Carlfred Broderick in his 1980 book called "Marriage and the Family" (currently unavailable on amazon).

A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it to their children. They break the mold. They refute the observations...that "the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of the children to the third and fourth generation. Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have supportive foundations upon which to build productive lives.

A few weeks ago, my mother and I were talking about the history of birth practices (or the generational transmission of birth, if you will) in our family. I know my birth story. I was born via Cesarean section at 39 weeks 4 days for being breech and for the convenience of having my father in town, since he needed to leave for work around my due date. My mother was born in a hospital in 1953, so we can assume that twilight sleep was used on my grandmother. Unfortunately, we cannot ask her for her birth stories of my mother and uncles since she passed away in 2006. That means we also cannot ask her what she knows of her own birth. She was born in 1921 in rural California, so its kind of toss-up if she was born in a hospital or on the ranch where my great-grandparents lived. Now my great grandmother was born in San Francisco in 1904. Hospital birth was still relatively new then (using a reference from the history of birth presented in the Business of Being Born), so she may have been born at home, but since it was a big city, there's also the chance she was born in a hospital.

Together, my mother and I couldn't come up with anymore information on the topic, so we started thinking of who in our extended family might have known. We contacted my grandmother's cousin who is currently the matriarch of the family. She was unable to give me anymore information other than she's pretty sure that both my grandmother and great-grandmother were born in hospitals.

So with that information, I pretty much am left to believe that the last 100 hundred of birthing history in my family has taken place in hospitals. If my readers are familiar with my story, my first child was born in 2007 (103 years after the birth of my great-grandmother) and his birth was enough to prompt me to "return" to homebirth. I had hoped that my history would have afforded some homebirth stories of my women ancestors but I was disappointed.

However, that affords me the opportunity to be the transistional character for birth in my family. It wouldn't be the first time. On my father's side, I'm a transitional character for stopping the transmission of emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse, so my efforts in parenting and my marriage are to overcome the tendencies and examples set by my father and his parents. This does raise the question of the history of birth on my dad's side. I know both my father and grandmother were born in hospitals, but I don't know anything about where my great-grandmother was born. I can ask my grandmother's sister who is still alive. I will update this blog when I've been able to converse with her on the topic.

Looking forward to the future, I plan to birth the rest of my babies at home, barring a medical need to birth in hospital, and this will start the tradition of homebirth in my family. I hope that my children will know and remember how they and their siblings were born so that they will too will expect to birth their children at home, in a safe, supportive, loving and gentle environment.

Bound and Gagged

In a dark room with no windows,
a drug coursing through my veins
that left me bound and gagged.

I lost my mind and coudln't move.
I was no longer myself.
I was lower than dirt.
A wounded animal to be put to sleep.
I heard whispers of "just put her out of her misery."
"Get that thing out of my sight. I can't deal with her now."

Locked in a room.
I heard my screams in my head, but I couldn't get them out.
A terrible nightmare but with the crashing, debiltating knowledge that this was reality.

Powerless to stop the penetration.
Unable to resist orders.
Catatonic and numb.
Unable to move.
No where to run since my legs were tethered to their place.

The torture ensued.
My body defiled, and abused.

I lost all power.
All determination and will.
If coherent speech had been an option,
the thoughts were drowned out by the screams of my mind.

Then it was all over,
the drugs had worn off.
The figurative bounds released.
And I was torn and broken, discarded and pushed aside.

Down the hall, I hear a distant
"Next!"

ANNOUNCING: Solace for Mothers Online Community

Since Willem's birth, I have been looking for ways to prevent and help other mamas who have been traumatized by their birthing experiences. I am pleased to say that I've been able to partner with Jennifer Zimmerman, a mother who experienced a traumatic birth 3 years ago, and Sharon Storton the excutive director of Solace for Mothers to create an online community for women suffering the effects of traumatic birth.

Here is the official announcement:

This message is to announce a new online discussion board called Solace For Mothers, An Online Community For Healing Birth Trauma. It is for women who have experienced trauma around the process of giving birth. For these women, giving birth has left them feeling deeply disappointed, traumatized, or even violated. We want these women to know that they are not alone, that birth trauma is very real, and that other women have had similar experiences and feelings. We have created an online community as a place for women to begin or continue their healing journey.

In the online community, there are different categories and forums, and the topics covered are issues that often come up for women dealing with birth trauma. It is our hope that women can virtually support each other on their healing journeys in this online community, and perhaps eventually connect with each other in the real world if they choose.

There is an introduction page here; http://www.solaceformothers.org/forum.html, and from this page you can register for the discussion board. Due to the very personal nature of this subject, we have made an effort to keep this community private, and women must register before being able to enter or view posts. If you do not fall into the category of a woman suffering from birth trauma, or if you would like to see a preview of the community before joining, you may visit this link to do so; http://www.solaceformothers.org/preview.html. This link is not the actual community and you will not be able to view members' posts from there, it will simply give you an overview of the topics covered.

We are sending this message out via email and posting it to online communities and to lists in order to reach these women. Please send this message to anyone who you feel may benefit from it.

Sincerely,
Jenne Alderks and Jennifer Zimmerman
Creators and Moderators of the discussion board

Supported by Sharon Storton and the Solace For Mothers team

I got my copies!

Today was an exciting day in my house, I got my copies of the Business of Being Born in the mail. I've already got a date to share it with a friend later this week. She's been excited to see it since we first spoke of it and she's glad I got my extra copy to share with her. Opportunist. and cheap skate. Ha. I'm glad to share it, after all that's why I bought two copies.

As I was picking up the package from the apartment office, an idea dawned. A movie night at the community center showing the documentary to the residents. As it is a student family community, childbearing is not only a prerequiste for living at the complex, its also a common reoccurence in families. So that will be a project I'll be working on. Coming soon to UW Family Housing!

The Mother's Herb Garden

This Mother's Day was a special one for me. Not only have I felt liberated from the PTSD that plagued my transition to motherhood, but I had my mother in town for the weekend, an adorable, active toddler who loves his mama and a loving husband, I got to plant an herb garden in the disgustingly overgrown, weed filled flowerbed at the entrance of my apartment.

I didn't take a before picture, but this is what it looks like now:


In the conceptual stages of our garden, I hadn't planned on it being mostly an herb garden, but found that dual functionality of herbs to be appealing to me. Many of the herbs we chose to plant also have beautiful, colorful flowers that will cover the ground in a rich blanket of fragrant, beautiful, medicinal, and culinary useful flora.

Planted in the garden is:

Lavendar
Rosemary
Echinacea
Spearmint
California Poppy
Thyme
Anice
Calendula
Nasturium
Lemon Balm
Tulips

Many of them can be used in cooking, herbal baths, teas and tinctures for a variety of remedies and immune supportive purposes.

I'm happy to have a little spot of earth to call my own garden. For added effect, I placed rocks at the edge of the garden along the concrete border.

The seeds that were planted should be sprouting early June, so I will be pleasantly surprised to see how they grow and if my attempts at following the planting instructions actually yield plants. That's the really challenge!!

Hopefully, I'll be able to post after pictures as things grow up. And then I'll be able to boast of all the relaxing herbal baths, and fresh herbs used in my cooking, and the pretty garden that will bring a smile to my face as I walk in my front door.

Where have I been?

I've been neglecting my blog! There is good reason. Not only am I the mom of a busy toddler, I am also in the data analysis and writing stage of my thesis for my Master's program. I had been babysitting a friend's child full time, but now that's over, I'm working on my thesis every opportunity (in theory). I'm attempting to wake up at 7 am with the hopes that Willem will sleep until 8:30 or 9:00 each morning. And then while he's napping between 2:00 and 3:30, I hope I'll work some more. And when he's off to bed at 9:00, that should give me another couple of hours to work before bed.

Of course that's just in theory, because other projects have been keeping me busy. The Birth Survey is getting closer to its August national debut. I've also been pleased to become acquanited with the non-profit organization Solace for Mothers.

Solace is actually an acronym for Support to Overcome Labor and Childbearing Experiences. It was started by Licensed Therapist Sharon Storton whose private practice has been solely mothers who have experienced post partum mood disorders directly caused by traumatic birthing experiences. I expect we will be working together in the future, as Sharon is also on the executive board of the Coalition for Improving Maternity Services, the creators of the Birth Survey.

I have also been reading Susana Fierro-Baig's book, in my spare time, ha! I'm in Chapter 6 right now and working my way through.

Also, my family has been busy with traveling and visitors. A couple of weeks ago, we spent the weekend in the Olympic National Park, hiking through forests, mosses, ferns and beaches. Then for Mother's Day, my mother travelled from California to be with us. We planted our herb garden on Mother's Day. And between all that, we had a sick toddler and a possible miscarriage. (Turns out it wasn't an early miscarriage, thankfully).

So yeah, busy much?

Another benefit of cosleeping?

At 1:30 am last night, Willem woke up vomitting up his dinner. He was on his back at the time. Peter, my husband, woke up quickly and turned him over on to his stomach. Willem was barely awake, or even aware that he was throwing up so he tried to go back to sleep. We wouldn't allow it because he was rubbing his face in the puddle of vomit. We then cleaned him up as best we could without totally stripping the sheets and bathing him.

I'm just glad that we were cosleeping with him because he was so quiet throughout the whole thing that if he had been sleeping in the other room, we would not have known until the next morning. Not only would it have been an awful, disgusting mess, there's a chance that he may have aspirated vomit either when he was on his back throwing up, or when he rolled over and rubbed his face in it.

I have never heard of this benefit of cosleeping, that we'd be able to quickly attend to our child in a scary situation like that, but I've learned that cosleeping in this case may have prevented a potentially dangerous situation.

Childhood Vaccines: Questions All Parents Should Ask

Conscious Woman. org sponsors online seminars, called "webinars" on a variety of topics that are relevant to parents and women, particularly in their roles as mothers. They provide easily accessible, affordable information and evidence based research on topics like natural birth, circumscion, breastfeeding, vaccines, midwifery and being an effective advocate. As a stay at home mom, I am able to participate without interfering with my child's schedule as I can use a portable phone and headset to listen to the presentation and view the slide shows on my computer with internet connection.

I first became acquainted with Conscious Woman when I discovered that they were offering a series on Postpartum Mood Disorders, which Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after childbirth is one. I took the two part series to learn about my condition, what I could do to heal and move forward, as well as to learn about the academic research on the topic so I could be an effective advocate for change.

The most recent series I participated in was Childhood Vaccines: Questions All Parents Should Ask I was very glad to participate because, like many other parents, I have been concerned over the rumors about vaccines causing autism, asthma, chronically ill children, even death and other neurological disorders.

From the Conscious Woman website, here is an outline of the material presented in the webinar:

Part I: Myths vs. Realities
This workshop will explore common misconceptions regarding vaccination efficacy, and how tests are conducted to determine vaccine safety. Questions that will be addressed include:

What are the present legal requirements for mandatory vaccinations?
How effective are vaccinations?
Are vaccinated children healthier than non-vaccinated children?
Are vaccines safe? Do the benefits of vaccination outweigh the risks?
How is vaccine research conducted? How thoroughly are vaccines tested? How long are test children observed?
What is congenital rubella syndrome? Does the rubella vaccine prevent it?
Do vaccines cause meningitis?
Tedd will also discuss transplacental immunity and how it relates to current vaccination practices.

Part II: The Shots
Many parents still consent to routine vaccinations - believing that the “removal” of thimerisol (mercury) has taken away the major risks associated with the vaccines - without considering whether vaccines contain other toxic ingredients and what their potential side effects may be. This workshop will focus on the following questions:

What’s in a vaccine?
Are there benefits to infectious diseases of childhood?
What is herd immunity?
This workshop will explore the controversial research on SIDS and vaccinations, the relationship between polio vaccine and cancer, and whether or not polio has disappeared as a result of the vaccine. Epidemiology of childhood diseases, mortality and morbidity, and the Hygienic school of disease will also be addressed.

Part III: Risk and Conflict
This workshop will involve an exploration of Juvenile diabetes, Crohn’s disease, autism, post-encephalitic syndrome and a multitude of other chronic diseases and conditions that are associated with vaccinations. The focus will be on how conflicts of interest have played a significant role in the introduction and proliferation of unnecessary and harmful vaccinations into state immunization requirements and ultimately - into your child’s body.

This workshop will conclude with a discussion of the age old debate between expressive and suppressive healthcare.

The series is being offered again, in three parts starting June 8, with part two on June 22 and part three on July 6. Its a very good way to spend a Sunday morning: learning while in your jammies.

What did I learn from the series?

I learned that there is not enough research to dispute the claims that vaccines cause autism, or death; therefore making putting their safety into question. Until vaccines are proven (by quality, reliable research) to not cause injury to children, I will not feel comfortable following the recommended immunization timetable published by the Centers for Disease Control. It seems to me that pharamceutical companies, doctors and public health officials are not addressing parent's concern about safety and effectiveness, instead are running smear campaigns implying that parents whose children suffer vaccine injury are seeking to blame someone, and those who chose not to vaccinate are irresponsible and neglectful parents.