Only waxing poetic when angry?

After Willem's birth, I found it therapeutic to write poems about my feelings regarding his birth. Since Belle's birth, I have felt at a loss for even the words to express my feelings regarding it. I began to wonder if I only could be poetic when grieving or angry. Come to think of it, there was another point in my life where I enjoyed poetry and it too was a time of sadness, confusion and loss.

Belle's birth was so the opposite of that. In trying to express my feelings, I don't get very far before I come up short. So much went into the decisions I made for her birth that the resulting emotions are so very scattered and incoherent.

All that build-up to say that I was finally able to write a poem. Its all I could do to get the many layers of thoughts and feelings I have about her birth.

Technically boring
Mundane
Gently introducing
Surrounded by love
Spiritually uplifting
Prayerful
Emotionally freeing
Rebellious
Early beginning
Wakeful
Quickly ending
Sooner than expected
Unbelievingly yawning
Father
Innocently witnessing
Brother
Lovingly birthing
Sister and child

Cryptic is the only way I can describe this poem. I hope to go back to it someday and describe what each of the couplets mean to me. There was much strength and power in her birth, but words like happy/joyful/sadness don't cut it. At 3 1/2 months, I'm still figuring out what that experience means to me.

The end has come

The story is that for 5 months or so, Willem has been leaving teeth marks on my nipple that I've found uncomfortable and sometimes painful. I could no longer breastfeed him in comfort and often had to tell him when it was time to unlatch or switch sides because I could no longer take the discomfort. I was still willing at that time to continue breastfeeding him in hopes that he would figure out a way given some time to stop making it uncomfortable for me. Instead over time, it remained the same and he began to resist my directions. When I told him it was time to let go or pointed out the teeth marks that were there, he would refuse and deny. This basically led to me getting frustrated and him being sad. I continued to try to be patient explaining to him why it was important for him to follow my directions at those times. I was resistant to give up and begin to wean him because I was hopeful there would be a solution and improvement.

That solution hadn't come before the day (first time in his life) when I dreaded the next time he asked to drink mama milk. I didn't want to and it surprised me the force of that feeling. At that point I realized our breastfeeding relationship had to come to an end. That night I told him I was done trying to give him mama milk and done with the arguing and the frustration, sadness and hurt. That's also when I realized that I had to be consistent and firm in that resolution. There wasn't going to be and couldn't be an gradual weaning process.

Over the next few days when he asked, I wanted to go back on that resolution. I still wish that there could have been another way. I wish that breastfeeding older children was more understood. If I could contact a lactation consultant who would know what to do to teach an older child to fix his latch, I would have done it. Although I assume that most LCs wouldn't have a clue with a child his age.

I'm not very hopeful that someone can help because he and I working together has not yielded a solution. I thought it might be one of those examples of a stage in a child's life where if you as the parent don't like it, be patient and wait a few weeks and it will resolve itself. In this case, the resentment came first. In fact, I'm glad to not have breastfed him in a few days. My main regret is that he can no longer benefit from the immune boosting powers and motherly connection.

Often quoted to me is the maxim that extended breastfeeding is only constructive when it is working for both mother and child. Once its not, its time to stop. I felt I tried to persevere having found a balance that I considered acceptable. But it was no longer acceptable to me when I didn't even want to try. I don't want to know what the next nursing session would have been like with me knowing I didn't want to and going ahead anyway.

I've actually replaced the breastfeeding with spoon feeding for the time being. The last couple of weeks, he has discovered that he is too busy to eat. And often the only way to make sure he was getting the nourishment he needed was to interact with him over food, the best way to do that was hand feeding. He still can feel the connection with me and there isn't crying on either end. I don't have to feed him by hand all the time but in times that he is struggling to focus on eating, I will.

I had hoped that our breastfeeding relationship could have lasted longer--until he was 4 years old or so--knowing that in many cultures in the world, that is normal. Instead, we made it 2 years, 6 months and 3 weeks.

I probably could have stopped right after Belle's birth with the simple explanation that babies don't eat foot, they only drink mama milk and Willem was not a baby anymore and he needed to eat food to stay healthy. Instead, I tried to find the mixture of food and mama milk for his diet. Then he started using mama milk as meal replacement so I had to put limits on his breastfeeding like only after breakfast, not before because he wouldn't eat breakfast otherwise. I know he'd love it if some pumped breastmilk made it into his cup, but I'm not yet sure if I should do that. I know I'm not going to go out of my way to pump milk for him, but if I happen to have extra, I think I will share with him.

Not a very interesting update

Belle is healthy. Sleeps well, nurses well, is growing well. She's really cute--the same can be said for Willem. Their smiles and laughter bring much joy to my heart.

I hurt. A few weeks ago it was bad enough that I couldn't bear my weight on my right leg. My right hip is particular is experiencing extreme soreness at the joint and in the muscles. I only assume that it is the looseness of my joints postpartum that is causing this. Chiropractic, massage and light exercise (walking, yoga and hula) have been helping. I expect I will experiences period of reoccurrence of the next few months.

I discovered I have slight abdominal dystasis above my bellybutton (where the umbilical hernia occurred).

Between those two conditions, I've resolved (although I had planned previously) that I will not be getting pregnant again within the next 3-4 years. Since that space of time is alloted, I've also felt drawn to apply for a PhD program at the University of Washington. The hope is that I can complete coursework before Peter graduates with his PhD and then I can complete my dissertation wherever we end up moving for his postdoc. And then the next baby can be born either during my dissertation years or after if I can complete the whole degree in 4 years. My body needs the time to not be pregnant so my joints and muscles can knit back together.

And as I always remind myself: you make plans and then Heavenly Father intervenes. We'll see what he has in store for us. For right now, I feel he is pleased with my plan to apply to the PhD program. The next baby will be born on His timetable. And if its a surprise like my pregnancy with Willem, the timing will be perfect and we could not plan it better.

Come to the help of women

Solace for Mothers is currently starting a letter writing campaign to the newly appointed Presidential Advisor on Violence Against Women. We are writing to her to describe the violations of women's civil rights and violations of federal law that are happening to women as they give birth to their children. We are hoping to include letters from mothers who have been denied their right to refuse medical treatment during labor and birth.

Also being invited to write to the Presidential Advisor are organizations who champion women's reproductive rights including The National Advocates for Pregnant Women, the International Cesarean Awareness Network, The American Civil Liberties Union, The Coalition for Improving Maternity Services and Conscious Woman.

This is all a work in progress right now but it is the direction we hope to take in the next few weeks. More information will become available on the Solace for Mothers website, as well as the opportunities to endorse the letter we will be sending and include your own thoughts and comments.

Today I was reading in the Latter-day Saint canon of scripture and found a verse that I found parallels this project. In Doctrine and Covenants 124:11, The Lord says "Awake, O kings of the earth! Come ye, O, come ye, to the help of my people, the daughters of Zion" (paraphrased to accentuate the parallel). Wouldn't it be nice if God were saying that, in this day, on the topic of women's reproductive freedom to birth without unnecessary medical intervention, and with women's consent before an intervention is performed. It is my prayer that the leaders of the nations become aware of the abuses that are being done to women in the name of birth, and then come to their help and protection by creating punishments for providers who violate their right to refuse treatment.

There has been recent news about a court case in New Jersey were a woman's child was taken into state custody after she refused a C-section that her doctor was claiming was medically necessary. My partner with Solace for Mothers recently wrote a commentary on the story (link to original Huffington Post article) at The Birth Activist.

Then there was this story where a woman was remanded to the custody of the hospital when she disagreed with her doctors recommendation to remain on bedrest.

All over the internet there are stories of women who were not consenting to an episiotomy but one was performed anyway. Often procedures are performed without even informing a woman that it is going to occur, not even giving her the opportunity to consent. It happened to me during my son's birth where I wasn't even informed that the midwife was going to begin suturing a minor second degree tear. Given the opportunity to be informed, I would have denied the sutures preferring to allow the wound to heal on its own. This is a minor example. Other women have been given pain medications without being told that was was going into the IV line, others were given episiotomies or vaginal exams despite their screams of No, Stop and Dont!. Hence, why its called birth rape.

Health care professionals are mandated by federal regulation to grant patients complete informed consent (ACOG's guidelines here). Of course there is no legal recourse or consequence to providers who do not gain a patients consent before performing any procedure. This was discussed in the recent Coalition for Improving Maternity Services Webinar on Informed Consent in Maternity Services. To read more about informed consent, see Goldberg. (2009). Informed Decision Making in Maternity Care. Journal of Perinatal Education. (Winter issue).

Abstract here:

In the United States, federal acts and regulations, as well as professional guidelines, clearly dictate that every pregnant woman has the right to base her maternity care decisions on accurate, up-todate, comprehensible information. Despite these efforts, evidence suggests that informed consent within current health-care practice is restricted and inconsistently implemented. Patient access to evidence-based research is imperative under the scope of informed consent and is particularly important during a time when perinatal mortality and morbidity rates, interventions, and disparities are on the rise in the United States. This article describes the Coalition for Improving Maternity Services' investigation of the breakdown of informed consent in maternity care.

The letter writing campaign is an attempt to advocate for changes to the federal regulations that would create punitive measures and due process when providers do not grant a woman's right to informed consent. As the regulations stand now, there is no recourse available so violations occur without fear of consequences.

5 weeks

I'm surfacing from the babymoon and getting back to real life. The last two weeks I've been adjusting to life with two children pretty much on my own since my husband has been away doing his summer research. Thankfully, I'm not feeling lonely because I'm staying with my mother and she is helping in the evening after work.

In five weeks, Belle has grown impressively. She weighs approximately 11 pounds now (up from 7 lbs. 6 oz). She's starting to hit some milestones. At a day old, she turned her head from the left to the right while on her stomach. Now she's lifting her head and upper body using her arms to push up. She's also starting to seek out places to settle her feet in order to "stand." When she's on her stomach, I can place my hand against her feet and she will push against it and scoot forward. I've seen some genuine smiles. Today she smiled at Henci while she and Sharon were visiting! The other day, I heard her first laugh.

She is just as active as she was in the womb and enjoys her dance periods throughout the day. When she was inside me, I frequently would feel her stretch an arm out and wrap it around my body. I've seen her do that now and I'm kind of glad that I'm seeing it from the outside and not feeling it from within. She is a generally calm baby and she loves bathtime. She finds it very soothing and she looks like she's swimming when she kicks in the water.

Belle has is very taken with her namesake. She sleeps in grandma's arms frequently which gives me time to connect with Willem; play with him, cook, get him to sleep, etc.

Since she has gained as much weight as she has, its rather obvious that breastfeeding is going well. My supply is still regulating and I'm waiting for let-down to become less forceful. She really doesn't like being drowned in milk and she will sometimes yell at the breast when it sprays too quickly for her taste. I've also found that because I have such an abundant supply that she will sometimes have the characteristic green poops from a fore/hind milk imbalance. I've been block feeding and getting Willem's help to get her hindmilk more frequently.

Tandem nursing is not going so well however. There is something off with Willem's latch where he is almost always leaving teeth marks on my nipple. I find that uncomfortable and very annoying. I have been attempting to get him to change his latch and I haven't been having much success. I'm considering ending that breastfeeding relationship because its become frustrating and stressful for me, especially when I tell him to unlatch because of discomfort and he either refuses or tantrums.

Generally I am coping the transition to 2 well. I am puzzling through the challenges and trying to be patient with myself as I reflect on effective ways to structure the day and get each of our needs met.

And a cute picture:

Read about Solace for Mothers in Midwifery Today

The Summer Issue of Midwifery Today has been released. The topic of the issue is "Healing from Sexual Abuse and Trauma."

There is an article about Solace for Mothers in the issue that discusses some of the ways women are traumatized by their birth experiences and how Solace provides support for mothers seeking it and providers who work with postpartum mothers who may be experiencing trauma.

Belle's Birth Story

I feel like I should start her story with Peter's return home on Wednesday night. He was so tired and sad but relieved to be home. The last two weeks have had him experiencing the most intense and varied emotions. He got a day to recover before a whole new range of emotions swept by him.

Or I could start Belle's birth story the same way Willem's starts. "Thursday night, sex did it..."

I hoped that the prostaglandins in the semen wouldn't start contractions, or that if they started they would stop after a while. At 3:30 I woke up feeling a mild contractions. At that point, they were seven minutes apart. Within a half hour, they were 3 minutes apart. I decided then that I wouldn't be sleeping anymore that night and got up to ready the house for the birth. I put towels in the washing machine, finished making my laborades (lavender lemonade and sweet rose tea) and started inflating the birth tub. At 4:45, the contractions were getting stronger but still at 3 minutes apart. I decided to wake Peter up and get him to take over inflating the pool. He was completely groggy and too was hoping that the contractions would stop and that we’d be going back to bed.

While he pumped up the pool (we were using a manual bike pump, efficient but we wished we had purchased an electric), I straightened and gathered supplies while pausing for contractions.

At 6:30, Willem woke up and “helped” me through contractions. I was on my hands and knees on the floor and he curled up underneath me. When the pool was filled with air, he was ready to get in. We started filling it with water and when it was the depth of a normal bath, Willem and I got in together. He was so excited to be in a “warm bath downstairs with Mama.” Peter started boiling water on the stove and periodically added more water.

While the pool filled with water, I asked Peter for a priesthood blessing, in part to gauge the rightness of calling the midwives for any unseen reason. The blessing was one of comfort and reassurance: that my body was strong and I could be confident in my ability to birth the baby. I was counseled to meditate and use the relaxation techniques I had learned from my studies. During the pregnancy, I had listened to the Hypnobabies scripts but I did not turn them on during labor. I applied principles of visualization, affirmations and prayer throughout the process. I spoke to the baby and breathed deeply through contractions. As they built, I found the visualization of getting to the peak of a hill helpful because I could feel when the "steepness" changed and I knew I was headed back down the hill again.

The pool was filled using a garden hose attached to the kitchen sink and then run across the kitchen, through the pass through that separates the kitchen and dining area and into the pool. That was about 7:00, I stayed in the pool only getting out to trek upstairs to the bathroom. While on the toilet, I felt the beginnings of pushing sensations but attributed it to a bowel movement. I checked to see if I could find the baby’s station and I think I felt a head with bulging waters. I didn’t even try to determine dilation because knowing that there was a head there was enough for me. Contractions were 2 minutes apart.

Around this time, Peter admitted that this was truly labor and it wasn’t going to stop until the baby was born. Both he and I thought that we would have several more hours. I then remembered that we had been remiss throughout the pregnancy and hadn’t documented it with pregnancy pictures. I had been completely unclothed in the pool so on one trip upstairs to the bathroom. I pulled out the maternity bathing suit that my friend had lent me. On the way downstairs, I told Peter he should start getting some pictures before it was too late.

Between 8:30 and 9:00, Willem started getting antsy in the house so we started preparing him to go to a friends house. This was about the time that I moaned to Peter “I want to take a break. It’d be nice if I could have three minutes between the contractions again.” I don’t really remember his response but I remember it was sympathetic. I think I heard Willem one time say “Mama sad” and I moaned through contractions, and I tried to explain that I wasn’t sad. I was just working hard to get the baby to come out of my body. We think looking back that was transition.

Around this time, I asked if Peter felt like he wanted the midwives to be present and he said that everything was going so well—and it would probably be awhile until the baby was born anyway—that he didn’t feel the need to call them. I knew I didn’t and reflected on what it might be like if they were present. I imagined that they’d be pleasant, supportive and kind but that they’d be gathered in the living room watching me and I did not like the idea of being watched, even if by benign and happy presences such as my midwife and her assistant. I didn’t need it, didn’t want it, and was doing the whole process as it was made to unfold for me.

This was when I realized that with every contraction, I needed to flip over to my hands and knees to get through it. I felt tightness radiating down into my thighs and it felt like the bones of my pelvis and hip were being stretched outwards. I did not experience any back labor, and contractions were low, tightening with pressure. This part is hard for me to explain, I was pushing gently with contractions but I’m not sure if I was doing because I felt like it or if it felt good. My thighs were getting very tired and at one point, I felt like asking Peter for some double-hip squeezing but he was busy trying to wrestle Willem into some pants. Somewhere in this time, I felt like I was getting more rest between contractions, even though they were any further apart. Looking back, I think it was an example of “ask and ye shall receive.” Maybe it was the actualization of a positive thought. Whatever it was, I was grateful for it!

As Peter was on the phone with our neighbor who was going to watch Willem for us, I checked the baby’s station again and I felt her head as deep as the middle knuckle on my index finger. When I told Peter that, he was shocked! To him, he had just barely begun to believe that this was really the birth of his baby.

Again I checked to feel if the amniotic sac was still intact and attempted to pinch it with my finger nails (I don’t really know why), I got a hold of something that might have been sac and pulled gently. And then I realized that I had just pulled baby’s hair! Oops! But based on that, I have no idea when my waters broke. I was hoping I’d know and be able to experience that sensation as it happened. This event was one of the decisions I regretted from Willem’s birth because I consented to AROM. I either wanted to know and feel it as it happened on its own or if it was a decision I made on my own, without feeling pressured by others around me.

A few minutes later, as they were about to walk out the backdoor, I yelled “the baby is crowning!” I roared a couple of times as the new sensations took over. I felt my first undeniable urge to bear down, immediately followed by sharp stinging in my tissues on either side of the baby’s head (not like the ring of fire). Instinctively, I stopped pushing and snapped my knees together. Then I laughed at myself, squatted and focused on letting the baby ease down. I felt another undeniable urge to push and the baby’s head was out. At this point, Peter was standing over the birth pool with Willem in his arms and they watched. There was a pause after the baby’s head was out and then another urge to push, a little more stinging, a shoulder, a shoulder and then another slight push for the chest (her chest is broader than her head circumference). I reached down and pulled her to the surface of the water, and then leaned back with her cradled in my arms. This was 9:31 am (I didn’t look at the clock until 9:34, so Peter verified the time).

I realized I saw the cord around her arm, and then her neck. I got a little confused as I figured out it was over her right shoulder across her neck, under her left armpit and wrapped around her arm. I unwrapped her and then noticed that she was looking pretty purple and was quiet. I wasn’t surprised that she would be quiet, especially as I could hear and see her breathing, with mucus clearing itself from her sinuses and mouth. But the purple was a little concerning. Peter noticed too and gently told me to hold her against my chest and rub her back. I did and she started crying, and then turned pink.

We saw a gush of blood into the water—which concerned Willem—and then we commented that we had failed to do the hemorrhage test in water. We knew what 200 CCs and 500 CCs of blood looked like on a chux pad but not in a pool of water. It was then that we decided that I should get out of the tub to monitor bleeding (and by that point I didn’t want to be sitting in bloody water anyway). Twenty minutes after she emerged, I squatted against the side of the pool and the placenta came out looking amazing. The membranes of the amniotic sac were trailing behind but came out easily too.

I had planned on using some purple cording to tie off the umbilical cord after the placenta had emerged. Earlier while I had been gathering supplies, I went to find the cording and couldn’t. I poked into my sewing box and found some white cording that I had intended to use on the bodice of my wedding dress but hadn’t. I felt it was very appropriate and meaningful instead to use it during the birth of our baby. Peter and I each tied off the cord (two ties with about two inches between), and then Willem held the scissor handles while Peter cut the cord.

I leaned against the wall, sitting on the chux pad to monitor bleeding while I suggested that I call the midwives for the newborn exam and filling out the birth certificate. I hadn’t known beforehand when I wanted to call them but at that moment, it felt good to welcome them and share the happiness. I called them while Peter took Willem to our neighbor’s house.

They arrived around 10:45, bearing a huge bouquet of flowers from the midwife’s garden—evidently I called her while she was out watering this morning. They were so happy for me, and so cheerful. This was also when I realized that the day before, my friend and I agreed that she’d come over Friday at 11 am so the kids could play together. I called her while she was on her way over and told her that the baby had been born and she was welcome to meet the baby and could she please supervise Willem on the playground outback for a little while. She came, she did just that (bearing Jamba Juice!) and washed dishes for us during the newborn exam. It was wonderful!

When they all arrived, I had settled on the couch with a blanket. That was where the newborn exam was performed. She weighed 7 lbs 6 oz, a half pound more than Willem at his birth. Before she was weighed, I asked Peter what his guess would be based on her appearance and he guessed exactly that! Length was 20 ¾ inches long. She has a lot of dark hair: like Willem did at his birth. We expect that hers too will change to blonde. She’s got the same butt-chin as Willem—they inherit that from Peter’s mother. And she has Peter’s dimple in her right cheek.

So far our babymoon has been lovely. The midwives helped me settle into bed upstairs and told me to stay horizontal for the next three days. I spent the rest of yesterday cuddling my new baby and nursing (her latch is pretty good for a beginner). I called friends and family then got a visit from my chiropractor. Before getting pregnant, she said that she’d like to visit the day my next baby was born so I took her up on it! It was so nice to see her!

Belle slept soundly last night from 1 am to 6 am and then again from 10 am to 1 pm. I slept with her during those times and then napped with her this evening between 7:30 and 10. She’s been sleeping soundly next to me while I’ve typed this out.

Today we had a little bit of an adventure when I was showering. Peter came in and said he was concerned that there was a gas leak in the house so he was going outside. He told me to be quick. As I stepped out of the bathroom, I smelled when he meant and hurried to get dressed. I met them outside and found a spot in the shade. Peter then told me that a plastic plate had gotten too close to a heated burner on the stove and had melted. I laid outside on a blanket, leaning against a pillow outside, talking to neighbors and nursing while the apartment was aired out. It felt so good that I didn’t want to go back inside so we were outside under the shade for 3 hours. During that time, my friend Shawnette and her mother visiting from my hometown in California dropped by to say hi and we enjoyed the fresh air together. We also broke into the cheesecake that I had made for Peter while he was out of town. I had intended to eat some for energy during labor, but it happened too fast to do so! I didn’t need it!

Announcing Belle!

Belle was born yesterday at 9:31 am after 6 hours of labor. She weighed 7 lbs 6 oz (I asked Peter to guess her weight and he was right on!) and 20 3/4 inches long. She was born at home, into the water with her father and brother present.

After I was settled on the couch with the new baby in my arms, the midwives came over and Peter and I filled out the birth certificate, assisted with the newborn exam and then I got help getting settled in bed upstairs. It was lovely.

I will post the whole story later, but right now I'm hungry and need to plug the laptop battery in to charge!

The last two weeks

Last time I posted, I had just found out definitively that the pain behind my bellybutton was from a hernia. At the time I was very concerned that I could go into labor with the pain still there, or that the pain could last 2-3 weeks. Thankfully, the pain was almost entirely gone the Wednesday after. By Friday, I felt 100% and very relieved.

The way I was able to treat it was using a rebozo to bind my belly--providing counterpressure on the sore spot, and a couple of times a day rubbing caster oil on my belly topically and then heating it with a heating pad. The heat provided a great deal of relief. Each treatment was recommended by my midwife and naturopath. And the rebozo was kindly provided by my friend Shawnette, who unintentionally became my doula once again, but this time for the L&D trip relating to the hernia.

A couple of days after I started feeling better, and totally mobile again, Peter had to go out of town. My mother generously decided to come stay with me knowing what the last couple of weeks had been like for me. It was very nice to have her company and her help while Peter was away.

Sadly the day she went home, we found out that Peter's grandfather had passed away. Even though the end of my pregnancy is fast upon us, we felt at peace after prayer for Peter to travel to Pennsylvania to be with his family for the funeral. And my mother is once again coming to stay with me while he's away. I don't think that the baby will be born while he's away, but if I'm wrong then at least my mother will be with me. He will be away from Sunday through Wednesday and I feel based on previous spiritual impressions that he won't miss his baby's birth.

Today I finished the last project I wanted to accomplish before the baby was born: a charm bracelet of my favorite pendants that have significance for me based on aspects of my personality, likes or gifts that loved ones have given me. I typically wear a simple chain with a pendant around my neck and the necklace rotates depending on significant events. For the months after Willem was born I wore a Celtic Claddagh with a garnet (his birthstone). For a period, I wore a pendant of an Irish dance ghillie (the soft shoe used in Irish dance). Since graduation with my M.Ed., I've been wearing the pearl pendant that Peter bought me in Hawaii. The pearl is set surrounded by three maile leaves: a Hawaiian symbol of honor and accomplishment. I've been wanting to somehow represent all of my favorite pendants during the baby's birth and I decided to do that by linking them to a bracelet. I hope to post pictures soon.

One of the other projects was a quilt for the baby. I pieced 6 in fabric squares around a 6 piece panel of white fabric where I embroidered the words "Sleep my child and peace attend thee"--the words from the lullaby "All Through the Night." In high school, my women's choir sang an arrangement of the song and when reflecting on the thought I would like to express on the quilt, it came back to me. Basically, I was attempting to avoid any cliche girl quotes like "sugar and spice and everything nice" or "thank heaven for little girls." The colors of that quilt are deep purples and greens with a purple satin binding which unfortunately doesn't photograph very well. Each time I try to take a picture of it, the purples end up looking blue.

At this point of the pregnancy, I've been pregnant longer than I was with Willem. He was born at 38 weeks exactly. Now I'm approaching the 40 week mark and I'm happy to still be holding my baby. Willem may have different ideas because he has told me a couple of times now "Baby Belle come out mama body today." Each time he has been wrong, and I hope she stays in for at least another 5 days.

All along, I've felt like she's going to be a June baby. We'll see if I'm right or if she sneaks out the last week of May. Somehow it seems fitting that she would be born in June: a different month than her "due date" since Willem was also born in a different month than his. Except she'd be born in the month after, and he was born in the month before.

Today's Appointment with Radiology

Today, I got an abdominal ultrasound (not deep enough to see baby) and we discovered that I have a herniated pocket of brown fat (the kind that cushions and insulates internal organs). I had suspected that I have been experiencing an umbilical hernia, and it was confirmed. Somehow that pocket of fat made itself through my abdominal muscle wall and is now stuck, inflamed and dying between my ab muscles and connective tissue/skin. That's why it hurts. There didn't appear to be a separation of the muscle, so if at some point there was, it appears either to have reconnected, or its so thin right now, it was impossible to know if there is a breech. Regardless, I have that pocket of stuff that isn't supposed to be there that will probably correct itself in time. The radiologist said that my body will naturally be able to break it down and be removed; possibly before the baby is born. I should have asked how long that process ought to take, but right now I'm just hoping and praying that is happens before labor starts. I feel like this is a time when the prayers of others would be greatly appreciated that the mass can be removed (by my friends the phagocytes) quickly and efficiently so the baby's birth can be unhindered.

On a funny note, the radiology technician was at first very confused by what she saw when using the ultrasound on my bellybutton. I don't blame her, its not like she's done many (if any) abdominal ultrasounds on a 38 week pregnant woman. At one point, she said that she wished there was another pregnant woman nearby who was not complaining of pain in the region that she could compare in order to see what the normal physiology looked liked. Surprisingly enough, when she went out of the room to consult with the doctor of radiology on call, the doctor was a 36 week pregnant woman who was gracious enough to become a test subject for a moment. Together, they looked at the normal physiology between the doctor's bellybutton and abdominal wall and were able to determine that the little bubble of fluid and mass of tissue that they were seeing was abnormal. I'm grateful for the coincidence that the pregnant doctor was on call and that she was willing to expose her belly for me.

And now if you are ready for some science, essentially the break down process of that fat deposit should work like this: The cells in that pocket are beginning to die off. The body has a system to removed dead and and dying cells: phagocytes which are found in white blood cells. The fat deposit should begin to attract the phagocytes to the area through a process called apoptosis where the dying cells communicate that they are being starved of blood supply (likely because its trapped and being compressed between my abdominal wall and skin layers). The phagocytes are then supposed to come along and do their work on the dying cells.

Now, I feel like I need to come up with a name for my new friend that is causing me so much discomfort, and hope that it goes away very soon.

Its nice to have an explanation for my pain and comforting that its something that can correct on its own, and that no scary procedures are necessary. Once again, I'll be turning to my Father in Heaven in order to determine if any further steps are needed on my part. Definitely there will be prayer for the quick breakdown and absorption of those wayward fat cells.