A hole in the heart, a hole in the family

A little dark haired girl is wearing purple sweatpants with matching sweatshirt. Her dad, wait that's my dad but much younger, so the little girl must be me, is holding her hand as they walk through some sliding electric doors into the dim light of a corridor with an information desk and waiting rooms off to the side.

Why would this be my first memory?

I was not quite two years old. It was September of 1986 so I was 22 months old. The only reason why I know this is because that's when my brother died. Those doors opened to the hospital where my mother learned that her 38 week gestation baby was dead and that even though labor had started, she would be birthing a stillborn. Somehow, I picked up on the emotions of my loved ones and knew something was very wrong and that memory stuck.

Later my mom told me that her loss was so great that her desire to live only remained because of me.

Growing up, the explanation for why my brother died was unclear. As a teenager, I learned that he had a heart defect that, obviously, was not compatible with life. I heard different things: he had a hole in his heart, one of his arteries was not connected correctly and his heart formed inside out.

I didn't know that when I was 10, my dad had requested the medical records as well as the autopsy report. I also didn't know that I would find those records when I was cleaning out my mother's garage this summer.

Cause of death: Complete transposition of the aorta and pulmonary arteries.

Of course, I didn't know much about what that meant so I set out to learn.

I learned this defect is most commonly called Transposition of the Great Arteries or vessels. What is means is:

Babies with TGA have two separate circuits -- one that circulates oxygen-poor (blue) blood from the body back to the body, and another that recirculates oxygen-rich (red) blood from the lungs back to the lungs. Without an additional heart defect that allows mixing of oxygen-poor (blue) and oxygen-rich (red) blood, such as an atrial or ventricular septal defect, infants with TGA will have oxygen-poor (blue) blood circulating through the body, a situation that is critical. Even with an additional defect present that allows mixing, babies with transposition of the great arteries may not have enough oxygen in the bloodstream to meet the body's demands.(1)

The first question I had after obtaining that information was how did he even live as long as he did. This diagram illustrates how there is some mixing of blood in the atria (upper segments of the heart).



I also learned that in most cases TGA is not determined until after the baby is born and they are blue and floppy without pinking up over time and with treatment. This was a surprise to me because here I am learning that most babies survive birth with this condition and my brother did not.

It can be corrected early with surgery and most babies with the condition survive and unfortunately our family didn't get that opportunity. I perhaps more so than other young children have felt his loss because with his death I became and remained an only child. I often felt the hole in our family from not having a sibling and knowing that we came so close and suffered such a devastating loss that made it so.

I've also wondered if my parents could have known prenatally that the baby had a defect that was life threatening. My mom had told me after I became a mother that she had not had an ultrasound with my brother's pregnancy because it hadn't seemed warranted. In 1986, it hadn't yet become standard practice to conduct the 20 week anatomy check.

Could a routine mid-pregnancy ultrasound have caught it?

This question of routine ultrasound is still be discussed hotly in the scientific literature, as well as among expectant parents. Each couple or mother has to come to that decision for her/themselves and it will often be based on the values and perception of risk for the individuals.

My mom given her knowledge at the time decided to avoid a sonogram during that pregnancy, and none of the doctors pushed for it. Its not like now where its the exception to forgo the 20 week anatomy scan. Its within a family rights to choose one or the other. I've had to consider it myself and working through this experience gives me some more insights into the decision making process.

From what I've been able to learn about TGA, early ultrasound can detect it (2). A study using ultrasound to detect TGA prenatally started in 1986 and out of 68 fetuses with suspected TGA, 57 truly did (3). That's a pretty good detection rate. And according to the authors, mortality rates were lower when it could be anticipated before birth. They caution however that the technician must be adequately trained to detect fetal heart anomalies and the emotional upheaval of knowing ought to be weighed against nature taking its course.

I am now picturing the high-risk hell that my mother may have experienced in knowing early that my brother had this defect. Maybe it would have been discovered at 20 weeks and biweekly biophysicial profiles and non-stress tests would have been conducted to give him time to mature but then to end his gestation at the first sign of distress. If he died in utero between 32-34 weeks, that is a really early premature baby and in his case, one in acute need of open heart surgery to repair the defect.

A high chance of death anyway, a long NICU stay, recovery from a repeat c-section with a toddler at home, emotional trauma from the fear and horror of parenting a sick premie, the stress of the hospital bills--that could have been my family's alternate reality.

I've spent enough time at Solace for Mothers to know the pain, suffering and difficulty that comes from a birth experience like that. Knowing myself the trauma that comes from a negative birth experience, I can't choose which I would prefer. I know, from observation and from my own loss, the grief that comes from the loss of a stillborn baby. Would I choose that because its familiar? Because I recognize that the laws of nature are a crapshoot and sometimes babies die? That maybe facing his loss the way it happened was going to somehow be better than losing him after the trauma of a premature birth? The chance that my mother herself could have died given the increased risk of maternity mortality for cesareans over vaginal birth?

Of course, a question I've asked myself is what was the cause of the defect.

I've blogged before about the possibility that my mom's previous c-section could have contributed to my brother's stillbirth, though I have not found any evidence suggesting that a prior c-section can predict a congenital heart defect. Environmental contaminants have been named as a possible explanation (4)(5). In talking with my mother, I learned that she remembers smelling the solvents in the inks used in her workplace during her pregnancy with my brother. I already found the work of organizations like Environmental Working Group and Pesticide Action Network compelling but this further adds to my awareness of the effects of environmental contaminants. Not only do I find their ubiquity insidious but I am angered at the cover-ups employed to deny the facts and the lack of regulation and ethics that have caused so much damage already that the public is only beginning to learn about now.

I have to remind myself though, "Most of the time this heart defect occurs sporadically (by chance), with no clear reason for its development" (6).

And of course, nothing changes the reality. My mother continues to cling to me for her hope and happiness and I'm learning what being a sibling is like through watching my children. Comfort is found in the plan of salvation as taught by the LDS Church that my brother belongs to our family for eternity and that I will have the opportunity to know him in the next life. I already sense that my father, upon his death, was welcomed to the spirit world by his son.


(1) Children's Hospital Boston "Transposition of the Great Arteries"
(2) Role of Ultrasonography in Early Gestation in the Diagnosis of Congenital Heart... Abu-Rustum et al. J Ultrasound Med.2010; 29: 817-821
(3) Detection of Transposition of the Great Arteries in Fetuses
Reduces Neonatal Morbidity and Mortality in the journal Circulation 1999;99;916-918
(4) Having Faith: An Ecologist's Journey to Motherhood by Sandra Steingraber
(5) The Body Toxic by Nena Baker
(6) Children's Hospital Boston "Transposition of the Great Arteries"

Before you were formed in my belly, I knew thee

This was originally published as a response to a question asking about pre-birth experiences of knowing and sensing a child within a mother's body. I was reminded by the verse in Jeremiah "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee."(Jeremiah 1:5). And its just fitting to think about this on the eve of Father's Day.

A couple of months before my oldest was conceived, I had this strong impression that the time was right to start the process of welcoming a baby into our family. I picked up a copy of Hypnobirthing because I had known for years that I was going to learn the technique for my preparation for birth. I prayed to know if it was right to try to conceive and felt it was.

It was not our plan at all however to try to get pregnant at that time. We had wanted to wait until we moved to our new city (just a few months away) and my husband got settled in his first year of graduate school before even attempting. Because of this, my husband was very resistant to my impression and when he prayed about it did not feel the same as I had.

Then he was surprised when I learned I was pregnant a couple of months later. For me, even though the news was unexpected, I wasn't really surprised because I had already been told that a baby was ready to come to us. Its this story that merits a complicated answer to the question, "was this a planned pregnancy?"

There was magic around us when he was conceived, and a power greater than the two of us lead us forward. We felt drawn to each other in that time and place and under those circumstances. It wasn't likely that I was fertile at the time and yet it happened, in joy and ecstasy.

As soon as I was pregnant, I knew it was a boy so I was not surprised to find out I was right. Even years before, I had had dreams of breastfeeding a baby boy. It had felt so real that as a teenage girl, I was shaken by the seeming realism. Before pregnancy, I had felt for a couple of years that my first baby would be a boy. We knew very early in our marriage that he would be given my husband's middle name.

And so it was. He is now a vibrant, strong-willed, precocious three year old little boy. He has given my life a passion, direction and drive that it was missing before and laughter everyday. Without my little boy and the experiences of his birth, I would not have become the ferocious mama I am today working for the protection of mother's and babies rights in our country. He has been teaching me balance as well as through his pregnancy, infancy and toddlerhood, I started and completed a master's degree, helped create a national then international non-profit organization and assisted the forward progress of a national service for expecting families.

A song that I feel characterizes the connection I felt with my little boy before his birth and how his being transformed my life is from the Shrek soundtrack, "It is You I Have Loved."

As a newborn, I rocked him in my arms and sang the lyrics to him and felt that the hole that had been missing in my life had been filled.

Do Birth Workers Know What Women are Reading?

Rixa at Stand and Deliver blogged recently about how obstetricians come to their beliefs about homebirth which reminded me of a question I asked myself a few months back.

Do obstetricians and L&D nurses know what women are reading about birth?

And, if they did, how would that change their practice?

Beyond the texts recommended by obstetricians and What to Expect When You're Expecting, it appears to me that many women planning hospital births are reading information on natural childbirth with books like:

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
The Birth Partner
Hypnobirthing
A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth
Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering
My Best Birth
The Birth Book
Birthing From Within
Spiritual Midwifery

A common thread of these books is arguments against using obstetric intervention through replacing interventions with simple strategies employed by the mother and her support people. Most of these strategies require advance preparation and knowledge regarding them though gaining this knowledge really doesn't take much time. Simply reading about it in a book, or even a website makes one qualified to change positions or to breathe deeply or soften one's jaw. It even qualifies someone present to suggest it to a laboring woman.

Now this is where I think this plays into Rixa's discussion. I'm going to theorize that one reason hospital birth workers are not supportive of homebirth (in addition the other reasons suggested by Rixa and her readers) is that homebirth is the epitome of natural birth where it becomes clear how very little knowledge and expertise is needed (except for when it is). This idea would feel like a threat to their livelihood, their career choice and might breed just a little bit of resentment towards other professionals who have not slaved through the initiation rite of medical school and residency to end up doing very similar work.

Doctors might shy away from asking themselves the question: "If birth were simple and reading a few books qualified a person to attend births, then what was the point of all that education? It can't possibly be as easy as these books say it is."

And then, as I continue on this pretend inner-monologue, perhaps hospital workers then would get frustrated with their female patients: "How could they possibly think they know enough and think that reading some silly books are going to qualify them?"

But, now I'm dreaming, what would happen if hospital birth workers read these books with an open mind? Would they be compelled to try some of these strategies or to suggest them during a woman's labor?

Are these books written compellingly enough to convince an obstetrician that maybe hands and knees for pushing is worth the try?


Or--now I'm really dreaming--what if these books became required reading for OB residents and L&D nursing students? Just so they knew what "fluff" pregnant women are filling their minds with as they prepare for birth. Perhaps, the assignment could be given with the intent to debunk the misinformation and to encourage doctors to reflect and prepare for how they will respond when women present these ideas in prenatal appointment.


And, if the less academic, popular press reading is too unpalatable for our esteemed birth workers, perhaps the expose of childbirth in America written by journalist Jennifer Block "Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care" could be recommended first as it provides thoughtful insights into each side of the topic.

In any degree, from a pregnant woman's perspective, this would be more beneficial from dismissing them all together or pretending like they don't exist. Not recognizing their influence creates a vacuum of information, a empty divide where patient and doctor are trying to yell across but the message keeps getting lost.

However, I would hazard to guess that, if hospital birth workers could open their minds a little bit, many of them could recognize the value of the information and see how the paradigm fits together to make the idea of homebirth and non-interventive, unmedicated birth plausible and attainable in relation to relative risk and safety.

Or at least perhaps, we could stop talking past each and be on the same page.

How Suckling at the Breast Works

Have you ever wondered how once a baby puts its mother's nipple in his/her mouth, how the baby gets the milk out?

This video shows how it works:


The vacuum concept makes more sense to me based on what I know it feels like. I had originally been taught that it was baby's tongue massaging the areola to bring milk out but from the sensation, that's not what it felt like.

My husband's tribute for Mother's Day

My husband shared this with me for Mother's Day as a tribute for my role as mother to our children. I love it! And so will you...

To see the full view, click on the title and it will take you to Youtube.

Perhaps a blogging hiatus

On April 10, my mother woke up and found she could not move her left arm or left leg. It took a few days for it to be called a stroke definitively, but it was treated accordingly all along in case that is what had occurred. I spent close to two weeks waiting to hear what was going to happen next and making arrangements from afar. As she lingered in the hospital with no transfer in sight, I traveled to be with her to get a better sense of the situation. It was not my intention to stay for very long, but after I assessed what her real needs were, I felt that she didn't need much help that I couldn't give to her at home.

Conventionally, given her situation, she would have gone to a skilled nursing rehabilitation facility where nurses and nurses assistants would care for her daily needs and get her to physical therapy. That's really expensive care that I knew, given my background in providing at home caregiving, that I could do just as well, if not better. And what better occupational therapy is there than actually doing the tasks that would be required of her at home?

I decided that I could stay with her. Mainly the help she needs from me is getting out of bed and into her wheelchair and then into the car, shower, toilet, etc. Pretty much everything else she can do with a minimum of assistance. In fact, today she washed dishes, changed the sheets on her bed, started laundry, paid bills online, and played Wii tennis and bowling.

My values played into the decision to put my life on hold and care for my mom. As evidenced by Belle's birth, I take personal responsibility very seriously and do not typically outsource care to professionals that I can be capable of providing to myself or my family. Its also been a very intuitive process is knowing how to help my mom in this difficult situation. Each step of the way, I felt what I call the Spirit confirming my thoughts and plans. I also have considered throughout my life that traditionally it was a sign of respect and gratitude to care for elder parents when their health began to fail. Though, this is coming at an age where I'm much younger than I would have expected (25, with two small children).

On May 4, I brought her home. We've been adjusting since then and today has been the best day yet. It was rocky on day 3 and 4 but after some frank discussion, we better understand what is expected of both of us.

Its a blessing that as a stay at home mother, I have the ability to move and add to my "work." Both children are with me, though my husband has had to stay in school two states away. If I employed, I would not be able to drop everything and then at the last minute decide on my originally intended 5 day trip to extend it to 2 months. The hope is that by July, my mom will have made significant recovery with physical therapy that she will be able to either walk, or be able to support enough of her weight to transfer herself in and out of bed.

The baby is struggling with my added responsibility and just wants to be held all the time. She'll follow me around the house screaming waiting for me to pick her up. The answer to that: babywearing. Belle goes in the Ergo on my back and I continue with what needs to be done.

Willem is my rescuer and comfort. Because he's a playful three year old, he makes me stop every once and a while and just play with him. A wrestle on the floor or on the grass, a hug and cuddle, some catch or frisbee or baseball or building with blocks, or reading a story. And the rest of the time, he is getting to explore and play and develop his own inner world. When I am feeling overwhelmed or discouraged, I can ask him for a hug and I can't help but feel better. His hugs are exactly what I need. He is at an age where I'm not struggling to care for him. He also entertains and plays with Belle (when she's not too busy hassling me).

In a way, I'm glad to have this time with my mother. Usually when we visit, she is working all day and then very tired by the time she gets home, so we struggle to enjoy our time with her. Now she's home all day with us and we can interact and spend time with her. I hope that in the next week we can start going out on walks in the afternoon.

Because its not easy to be constantly needed by someone, I am being very careful to maintain my evening a week rule. I do it at home with my husband as well where at least one day a week, arrangements are made where I can get out of the house and do something for me. Last night, a friend and I went to a movie while her mother babysat. It was exactly what I need. Next week, I'm planning a 1 hour massage. I'm also back to my nocturnal habits (staying up until 2) for computer time and catching up on my favorite shows. Fish oil and Vitamin D and good food are keeping my mood elevated.

All that to say that things are going much better than I would have expected (in general) and that my blog will probably be much quieter in the coming weeks.

I did recently create a facebook fan page for my blog where I post links and status updates. Those don't take as much time as preparing posts so I feel good about maintaining my connection with blogging and birth and family advocacy. I'll certainly be able to keep up there.

Birth Trauma Round Up

I've been meaning to get around to this for awhile. Each day when I read news articles and blogs, I'll bookmark it if its something I want to come back to or if I have something to say about it, or agree its important and needs to be said again and again until the right people listen. Generally, the articles that stand out to me are on the topic of birth trauma. So here is an anthology of birth trauma related articles over the past few months. On analogies: Keyboard Revolutionary: An Interesting Parallel

So what does it mean when another wielder of authority says, "Do what I say or your baby will die"? Are they looking out for your best interest....or are they a bully, a rapist, an abuser, deliberately playing on your unignorable instinct to protect the ones you love in order to get what they want from you?

And when its seen like this, how obvious is it that a mother can come away from her birth experience with PTSD?

Raising My Boychick: Just Like Athletics: Exploring a Childbirth Analogy

Rather than coerce with stick or carrot, what we do in athletics (again, thinking especially of charity racing; a particularly apt comparison to birth as it is physical effort that benefits another) is cheer, support, encourage, commiserate. No one stands at the sidelines of a charity marathon yelling “give up! it’s not worth it! stop trying to be a martyr! you’re not going to win a medal!” Nobody whispers in their ear when they’re doubting, “take these drugs [that will actually make running harder], let us drive you to the finish [we'll tie you behind the car], finish in five minutes or we’ll whisk you away for surgery [for a torn ligament you don't actually have].” No one tells an athlete she can only have a “trial” of running if she has no food or drink, if she’s hooked up to machines that purport to measure how hard her muscles are working, that take her blood pressure and heart rate and temperature and send it all to the medics’ station and meanwhile are hindering her movement and reminding her she’s on a clock and she’s not running fast enough (or running too fast and they’ll “have to” stop her “for her own good”.

The analogy works well. What would happen if hospital birth attendants had this analogy called to their attention? It seems so simple, yet a strong paradigm shift is engendered in it.

On feminist activism:

Courtroom Mama: Feminism Behind the Veil

[How many women] suddenly realized that grown-ass people in a medical office were calling them “mommy” and telling them what to do as though they themselves were children. And the fact is, for a number of women of relative privilege (cis-gendered, heterosexual, middle-class, etc.), the journey into motherhood might very well be the first point of friction with patriarchy. Many of us lucky enough to not feel the weight of oppression can manage to skate by with just our carryon baggage, but add a pregnancy or a child to the mix, and suddenly you’re “actually” a woman, or rather “just” a woman.

Fertile Feminism: Mainstream Feminism and Motherhood

That’s why I’m so pleased to have discovered all the feminist mother blogs that have been springing up recently, and why I want to work with feminist mothers to help bring your voices and battles and mainstream feminism together. It’s been all too easy for childless feminists to ignore motherhood, and it really, really shouldn’t be. We need to listen, learn and become allies to mothers by not only centring your voices but using our own to advocate for mothers everywhere.

The previous two articles both discuss how stereotypical feminists (or rather the dominant cultural idea of feminism) doesn't understand the issues facing mothers in dealing with injustice in maternity care. It now appears that some "majority" feminists are becoming aware of what us feminists in the minority are facing. Like Courtroom Mama, my first run-in with patriarchy may very well have been in my first birth experience and it certainly played a large part in coming to self-identify as feminist. I too felt, before birth trauma, that feminist history afforded me a "post-feminist" spot in my world.

On cruelty:

Henci Goer: Still Cruel Maternity Wards

We have a culture of impunity in maternity wards. Once pregnant, a woman effectively cedes her right to autonomy and bodily integrity to obstetric staff who sometimes—on grounds of fetal welfare, self-protection from malpractice suits, or mere convenience—manipulate women into compliance in ways that would be considered fraud in any other venue. Without fear of being called to account for it, they can bully, coerce, humiliate, and threaten. And, yes, they can physically mistreat or even sexually assault them

It is this that needs to be exposed. In her article, Henci links to recent news stories that highlight some of these abuses. Its starting to be uncovered but it still seems to far-fetched so far from the norm, but then what is normal seems irrelevant because of its normalcy. It seems the media has not just captured the sameness of these outrageous cases with the outrageousness of the "normal" cases. The whole history of hospital birthing has been this way and its just sick.

The Unnecesarean: Women Have Right to Complain about Mistreatment During Birth

I really believe that someday, our daughters or granddaughters will be amazed that any woman was ever arrested for refusing a c/section, or operated on against her will, or prevented from moving or eating or making noise while she labored to birth her baby. They’ll regard much of what is still considered normal today as cruel, and uninformed, and backwards. And they’ll be right. But only if we keep refusing to be silenced.

It exactly this that I could not and would not believe before I contemplated becoming mother. It seemed so blatantly wrong that it seemed impossible that it could be indicative of systematic injustice. It really did feel like just being pregnant and giving birth that I was going into a dark and dirty underground system. ACOG has been labeled a cartel and for good reason.

Amy Romano @ Science and Sensibility: Patient safety, disciplinary action, and the marginalization of midwives

But whether disciplinary action is against midwives or physicians, is punishment the best way to deal with breaches in patient safety?

When this question is posed to someone who has experienced birth rape, the answer is: They have to held accountable somehow. If its not through a hefty check from their administrators, then it needs to be some censuring from their superiors. If not that, then it needs to be criminal charges. When a woman is feeling like her OB or midwife is entering her body with the same force and skillful manipulation of a rapist, yes, the provider must be held accountable. RH REality Check: The Cure for An Ailing Maternity Care System

The idea that maternity care should be evidence-based, safe, and efficient seems like a no-brainer but one key goal to note is how these imperatives lay the groundwork to minimize “overuse, underuse, and misuse of care practices and services.” We need to make sure we’re providing optimal care to all women by guaranteeing women are able to access the services they need if they need them. However (this is a big one), let’s also start from a place of understanding that pregnancy is a healthy state of being – not an inherently sick state – and so let’s also minimize the amount of unnecessary interventions that now drive up costs and place women and newborns at risk for poorer health outcomes.

It must be said: the "overuse, underuse and misuse of care practices and services" are causing trauma to new mothers, rendering it exponentially more difficult to care for their babies in their early years. Its not yet known what sort of long term effects can be had from a traumatized mother in early life, but there are studies that show that children of depressed mothers are more likely to experience depression, children whose parents experienced PTSD are more likely to experience PTSD after a potentially traumatic event. Are our children being hardwired to face life's challenges with disorder? Its not just about health care costs, its about a mother's sense of confidence in her ability to care for her children. Its about the baby's sense of being cared for and loved. Michel Odent equates these early unnecessary challenges to a threat to humankind. He even poses the question "Can humanity survive?"

Its starting to sound pretty melodramatic and that's exactly what I would have labelled it before my experience, and before I learned that I was not alone. I find its a coping mechanism to write in this manner and that I cannot be objective and unemotional when I read the stories of birth trauma at Solace for Mothers and the MDC birth trauma board. Some of it seems so fundamentally, viscerally wrong that I struggle to articulate how and why it is so wrong. So instead, I try, though my blog to illustrate, highlight and show case examples so it can become clear to others without my feeble attempts to spell it out.

Healthy Home Checklist

Environmental Working Group has put together a checklist for removing from our homes environmental contaminants such as BPA to flame retardants, mercury to phthalates.

For a preview, the checklist for the kitchen looks like this:
It then has sections for Bathroom, Laundry and Cleaning Closet, and All Around the House.

Like all things, its a process to undertake to get known contaminants that pose mounting threats to our long-term health and well-being. Its daunting and can contribute to panic and fear. I have to remind myself that a little at a time is going to have to be good enough. One area at a time, one thing at a time. Little by little, I'll get to where I want to be. I remind myself that a few months ago, I didn't know about all these hidden dangers. If I could be content in my ignorance, I can be Zen in my awareness.

To learn more about why these efforts matter, visit the Environmental Working Group's website or, I recommend, Having Faith: An Ecologist Guide to Motherhood which chronicles, in a flowing narrative, the presence and effects of biocontamiiants on the most vulnerable in our worlds: our babies.

Vitriol Over Breastfeeding Research

The recent study from the Journal Pediatrics is getting a lot of coverage. In response there have also been a lot of public comment on it. Feminist Breeder summarizes the vitriol that is being expressed in response to it.

Most breastfeeding advocates, and moms who don't advocate but breastfeed happily or even ever comment on the good side of breastfeeding has heard the defensiveness that is sparked immediately from a mother who has used formula with her baby for whatever reason. (Can you tell that I have?)

A friend recently described what this is like to be on the receiving end of the defensiveness, and since she captured it so well, I'll link to her it (hope you don't mind Aimee!). Though she was talking about fertility, its very similar to discussions regarding breastfeeding and formula usage.

When speaking about breastfeeding or giving encouragement or advice to help someone continue breastfeeding, it is not condemning those who do not, yet it it stating what is factual: breastfeeding is better. Its the norm. It is right in the vast majority of circumstances. Stating fact is not a reflection on a person. Defensiveness is not necessary. There is compassion for those who struggle or regret or do not regret and feel comfort in knowing it was the right decision for their family, or who have "the serenity to accept the things [they] cannot change."

For whatever reason that is faced that leads a mother to supplement or to turn entirely to formula, the fact does not change that breastfeeding would be better. Its not said to make anyone feel guilty. Like a quote shared by a friend, "Ideals are stars to be guided by not sticks to beat ourselves with."

When breastfeeders are saying these facts, we are not disrespecting you. We are not dismissing your experiences. To quote Aimee from above:

I just ask for the same respect. I invite you to share with me your struggles and feelings about trials you have to endure. We can build understanding even through our differing challenges and being dismissive of each other's circumstances will only erect barriers between us.

But beyond all that, there is more to the issue. For many women it is not about choices, but its about making the best out of the circumstances they are faced with. On the Feminist Breeder's post, I responded in support of Shannon Drury, a member of the Mothers & Caregivers Rights’ Committee of National NOW, who said this:

They pretended to care about why more women don’t breastfeed, but they never mentioned the totally [expletive removed] obvious: THIS COUNTRY LACKS THE POLITICAL WILL TO ENACT FEDERALLY MANDATED MATERNITY LEAVE. Forget pumping stations. Forget “some women just can’t,” which as you pointed out is crap. GET ON THE STREETS AND DEMAND MATERNITY LEAVE FOR EVERYONE. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone.

I added to her comments by saying, what I discovered when studying family policy in my master's program. I'm sharing here what I posted there highlighting the policies I feel are necessary to provide the level of social support needed to acheive a 90% exclusive to 6 months breastfeeding rate:

"Beyond choice, and physical difficulties is the need for public policies that are designed to respect a woman’s ability to breastfeed and care for her baby exclusively. Paid, extended maternity leave is necessary to establish the breastfeeding relationship. At home subsidies for stay a home mothers would also be appropriate here (Sweden is essentially doing this for up to 1 year). After that requiring employers to allow mothers to pump milk at work and NOT making them clock out to do so, providing on site childcare, and flextime/telecommuting options are important steps in maintaining the breastfeeding relationship beyond 6 months. Insurance paid for lactation consultants, public health campaigns on the ease of increasing milk supply via oatmeal and herbal tea, expanding the WIC give-aways of breastpumps are all ways to assist mothers in having success breastfeeding.

I’m sick of the partisan politics that maintain that parents are expected to “pull themselves up by their boot straps” and “do the best they can with what they’ve been given” and “suck it up.” That does not a healthy nation make. Charity, benevolence, compassion and kindness need a more central part in our public discourse."

Two weeks of Facebook updates

March 15:
* successfully replicated Mimi's corn chowder without a recipe! Peter is so proud, especially since he didn't think he liked corn chowder.

March 16:
* Willem has decided that he wants to let his pink eye "heal on its own and not use medicine" instead of letting me put the antibiotic drops in his eyes. The drawback is that he will not be attending preschool until it resolves. Its a valid choice and one that I believe he is capable of making for himself, but I'm very surprised that he's sticking to it.

* couldn't go back to sleep after the baby woke because my mind is busy brainstorming areas of life that LDS women might be interested in advocating for. I know better than to wait when I have time to write my ideas; I'm writing them now so I don't forget.

* I was hoping to go back to sleep when I got home from yoga, but there's an awake baby...

March 17 (I hope you had a festive St. Patrick's Day!)
* is celebrating St. Patrick's Day with corned beef and cabbage and ceili dancing tonight! But before, I'm speaking live video streaming about The Birth Survey on Bellies To Booties Web TV at 2 pm Pacific.

March 18:
* thinks I had a cool, but not so good idea: use the pattern for my Ren dress to make a temple dress. White brocade skirt and vest over a white chemise, with white braided cording...March 19:

* laughed and laughed when I heard Willem say to Belle, "Leave my train station alone, you naughty kitten!"

March 20:
* won an ERGObaby organic baby carrier today, with backpack and front pack at the Healthy Kids and Green Parenting Fair!! I'm so excited!!!

March 21:
* totally scored a rain water collection barrel today because If there's a Water Shortage, Why Isn't Anybody Collecting Rain? Thanks to my neighbor for enabling me!

March 22:
* 's joy at health care reform is tempered by all the revisions that will be needed over time. Its a start, which is a relief, but there will be much more fighting. I'm kind of exhausted at the prospect.

March 24:
* wants some energy back. How about a nap today children?

* thinks its a travesty to pipe fake buttercream frosting on to a delicious cheesecake.

* if there's such a thing as cabbage chowder, I made it tonight. And then put it in a breadbowl.

March 26:

* is struggling to write my personal experiences into an article on childbirth.

*is listening to Peter tell me about travel warnings throughout the world and I misheard "terrorist concerns in India." I heard "terrorist insurance." Now that would a lucrative business... They would pay your ransom, extricate you from the hostage situation and pay any medical or therapy bills.

March 27:
* has a baby that WILL NOT cuddle to sleep in bed with me. She spent an hour rolling around in the dark and only settled down to sleep when I put her in her bed, covered her with a blanket and walked away. Not cool, little girl.


March 28:
* Belle climbed up on a box and now can't figure out the way down. Good for her that she's still trying.

* and the sickness goes on. Willem has a fever and has spent the day cuddled under blankets sleeping on Peter.

March 29:
* And thus begins Belle's 10th month of life outside the womb. Let the toddling commence.

* Willem just pointed to the plushie for Gonorrhea and just said "I want to see that S T B."

March 30:
* Carla Hartley is tempting me again. Her offers for enrolling in AAMI (Ancient Arts Midwifery Institute) are always so very appealing...

* First half of the day: I was pleased to find that "children are a joy and blessing" applied to the happiness in our home. Second half of the day: I had to remind myself that "children are a joy and a blessing."

March 31:
* was taken on a hike by her 10 month old. Who knew a 10 month would actually hike? The Cascade mountains are beautiful and I'm so glad that Peter was willing to take a day away from studying to spend time with the family in nature.

April 1:
* is CRANKY today. Any ideas to help a mama chill out?

April 2:
* had a reminder that trauma resurfaces unexpedectly and can suck you back into it. Given that its 2 am now, I don't think I'll be waking up in 4 hours to go to my early morning yoga class. When you see my blog post, you'll know what I'm talking about.

* loves seeing the simple joy that comes from playing with a box. Belle's new carseat came yesterday and Willem now gets what boxes are all about. We got a big package when he was Belle's age and he did not understand why we put him in the box at all. Belle gets it though because she sees her brother playing in it. They ...turned it into a slide until it became too squished for that.

April 3 (General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints):

*has been appreciating the words spoken at General Conference this morning. I especially like the promptings I've gotten from what i've heard. What did you think of the quote from Eliza R Snow that Julie Beck used?

* Me to Belle: "You are such a silly child." Willem to me: "You are just a silly mama."

April 4:
* is watching Emma: Her Story on BYU TV (internet streaming) right now. I'm excited to see it. The first few minutes are boding well.

* is making bone broth for the first time tonight. Out of the bones from the lamb rack we had for Easter dinner. We'll see how it turns out.

April 5:
* For some reason I do not understand, Willem is calling all soldiers and knights "Lamanites" today.

* Quote from Willem: "Do not kill me before you ask my permission!"

* And another "Lightning (McQueen) has blue eyes like Belle!"

Quotes from Famous People:

"Her baby constitutes for her a powerful symbol of her motherhood, her individuality, her new family, the beauty and wonder of nature, and the perfection of her own body and her procreative powers." Robbie Davis Floyd

"It is intriguing this [those born between 1935-1975 who were separated from their mothers after birth for several hours or even days] is the age group that has experienced spiralling divorce rates, increased incidence of child abuse, and greater extent of familial alienation than that seen in previous generations, and... the temptation to associate this with US birth practices is hard to resist." Wenda Trevathan

"We do not ask you to give up any good you have, but we invite you to come and get more." Joseph Smith in talking about the gospel of Jesus Christ

Links to Articles:
Obama's Out of Control Health Care Costs (my comment: Peter and I had a good conversation about this article today. "Obama's Out of Control Health Care Costs" because we can all see this happening: The federal gov't promises to pay all health care costs, and doctors then jack up their prices just because they can. Regulating health care costs is essential to health care reform.)
You Probably Are A Feminist
Top 5 Myths About Having a Homebirth
Path to Freedom: the Original Urban Homestead
Family and Home Network (a new volunteer organization I'm excited to work with)
Calling for Integrative Medicine to be Written into Health Care Reform
Women are Saving the World Now: a new advocacy organization that featured Rikki Lake for BOBB
The Onion: Increasing Number of Parents Opting to Have Children School-Homed
Woman Catches Baby During Own Cesarean Section
Fertile Feminism: Mainstream Feminism and Motherhood
Breastfeeding Saves Money and Saves Lives: Analysis Says
Citizen Commentary on Health Care Reform: Written by my husband's mission president

Links to Products (in the crunchy vein):
Selling My Fuzzi Bunz Perfect Size Stash
Baby Steals.com had a shocking deal on Ergo's on the 25th
Chemical of Concerns in Car Seats: Healthy Stuff's Ratings for 2009
Organic Cotton Mattress Toppers
The Femivore's Dilemma (article links to the book Radical Homemakers)

Links to Advocacy Opportunities:
Make Animal Abuse a Felony
Take Action: Tell the EPA to Protect Americans from Dioxin
Requesting Greater Transparency in Health Care: soliticed by Health and Human Services
Play an Online Game and Give Rice
Petition to ACOG: Increase Women's Access to VBAC
Switch to Kijiji to Protest Human Trafficking on Craigslist