Blame this post on pregnancy hormones, if you would like. I'm struggling right now on separate but related issues.
I can't decide if I can be confident that this will be a pregnancy that results in a living child or if I'm going to be experiencing a miscarriage in the next 10 weeks or so. Some may call it irrational, but I have this fear of miscarrying. I know that statistically I will likely experience at least one miscarriage during my childbearing years. Knowing that can kind of prepare me for it, but I don't ever want the current pregnancy to be a miscarriage. Willem was my first pregnancy and he was born alive and healthy and is a wonderfully loving one year old now. That makes me think that I'm even more likely to have a miscarriage with this one, because its bound to happen sometime, right? I think the only thing than can remedy these fears is some patience. I'll know within the next 10 weeks if this pregnancy will miscarry or not. Not very comforting. Of course, I have been turning to prayer to find peace on this issue. I'm hestitant to seek a priesthood blessing because of the outcome from the last (which is also contributing to my fears now). Maybe Peter is ready to try to give me another but he said after that last one that he's afraid too.
The other struggle I'm facing right now is overcoming my cultural heritage when it comes on being more reliant on my self and my God, instead of medical professionals. I feel drawn, out of habit, to make all the prenatal appointments, have the early viability ultrasound and all the bells and whistles of modern maternity care even though I know that its not effective, or based in evidence and best practice. I'm also drawn to the unassisted prenatal care because it seems like it can be part and parcel of unassisted birthing. Feeling like I'm being pulled in both directions, I struggling to figure out what my balance will be. I have a midwife that I will consult with on a semi-regular basis for prenatal appointments, even though many of the clinical services I'll decline (even though I'm tempted to take everything that is offered).
Having a midwife for prenatals (and back-up for the birth) is my way of making sure that I have an advisor, counselor and consultant when it comes to concerns and questions that I may have. Part of having a solid consultant/consultee relationship is taking the time to nurture and grow that relationship, which makes me feel obligated to schedule more prenatal appointments than I would like it. I also fear that feeling obligated to building that relationship will lead me to feel obligated to accept attendance at the birth.
Last night at my first prenatal appointment, I felt my first bit of accepting something that I otherwise wouldn't choose for myself, because of a sense of obligation. There were two other women who attended the appointment with the midwife. I had gotten a heads-up from my doula friend who works with the practice that one additional person would be there (a midwife assistant). But I was surprised that there was another person there as well, I think a student. I wish that I didn't feel that more people than I comfortable with are being pulled in to work with me. Next time if there are assistants or students present, I will likely request that they stay out of the room for my appointments because my goal is to build a relationship with the midwife, on the level that I'm comfortable with, as I figure out that balance between keeping professional emotional distance and building a trusting advising relationship.
And then to further complicate my feelings on that issue, I can go back to being afraid that I may just lose this baby anyway, making all this thought and worrying unnecessary. Sigh. Help thou my unbelief...
I'll accept prayers and positive thoughts on my behalf to those who are willing to give them.