On April 10, my mother woke up and found she could not move her left arm or left leg. It took a few days for it to be called a stroke definitively, but it was treated accordingly all along in case that is what had occurred. I spent close to two weeks waiting to hear what was going to happen next and making arrangements from afar. As she lingered in the hospital with no transfer in sight, I traveled to be with her to get a better sense of the situation. It was not my intention to stay for very long, but after I assessed what her real needs were, I felt that she didn't need much help that I couldn't give to her at home.
Conventionally, given her situation, she would have gone to a skilled nursing rehabilitation facility where nurses and nurses assistants would care for her daily needs and get her to physical therapy. That's really expensive care that I knew, given my background in providing at home caregiving, that I could do just as well, if not better. And what better occupational therapy is there than actually doing the tasks that would be required of her at home?
I decided that I could stay with her. Mainly the help she needs from me is getting out of bed and into her wheelchair and then into the car, shower, toilet, etc. Pretty much everything else she can do with a minimum of assistance. In fact, today she washed dishes, changed the sheets on her bed, started laundry, paid bills online, and played Wii tennis and bowling.
My values played into the decision to put my life on hold and care for my mom. As evidenced by Belle's birth, I take personal responsibility very seriously and do not typically outsource care to professionals that I can be capable of providing to myself or my family. Its also been a very intuitive process is knowing how to help my mom in this difficult situation. Each step of the way, I felt what I call the Spirit confirming my thoughts and plans. I also have considered throughout my life that traditionally it was a sign of respect and gratitude to care for elder parents when their health began to fail. Though, this is coming at an age where I'm much younger than I would have expected (25, with two small children).
On May 4, I brought her home. We've been adjusting since then and today has been the best day yet. It was rocky on day 3 and 4 but after some frank discussion, we better understand what is expected of both of us.
Its a blessing that as a stay at home mother, I have the ability to move and add to my "work." Both children are with me, though my husband has had to stay in school two states away. If I employed, I would not be able to drop everything and then at the last minute decide on my originally intended 5 day trip to extend it to 2 months. The hope is that by July, my mom will have made significant recovery with physical therapy that she will be able to either walk, or be able to support enough of her weight to transfer herself in and out of bed.
The baby is struggling with my added responsibility and just wants to be held all the time. She'll follow me around the house screaming waiting for me to pick her up. The answer to that: babywearing. Belle goes in the Ergo on my back and I continue with what needs to be done.
Willem is my rescuer and comfort. Because he's a playful three year old, he makes me stop every once and a while and just play with him. A wrestle on the floor or on the grass, a hug and cuddle, some catch or frisbee or baseball or building with blocks, or reading a story. And the rest of the time, he is getting to explore and play and develop his own inner world. When I am feeling overwhelmed or discouraged, I can ask him for a hug and I can't help but feel better. His hugs are exactly what I need. He is at an age where I'm not struggling to care for him. He also entertains and plays with Belle (when she's not too busy hassling me).
In a way, I'm glad to have this time with my mother. Usually when we visit, she is working all day and then very tired by the time she gets home, so we struggle to enjoy our time with her. Now she's home all day with us and we can interact and spend time with her. I hope that in the next week we can start going out on walks in the afternoon.
Because its not easy to be constantly needed by someone, I am being very careful to maintain my evening a week rule. I do it at home with my husband as well where at least one day a week, arrangements are made where I can get out of the house and do something for me. Last night, a friend and I went to a movie while her mother babysat. It was exactly what I need. Next week, I'm planning a 1 hour massage. I'm also back to my nocturnal habits (staying up until 2) for computer time and catching up on my favorite shows. Fish oil and Vitamin D and good food are keeping my mood elevated.
All that to say that things are going much better than I would have expected (in general) and that my blog will probably be much quieter in the coming weeks.
I did recently create a facebook fan page for my blog where I post links and status updates. Those don't take as much time as preparing posts so I feel good about maintaining my connection with blogging and birth and family advocacy. I'll certainly be able to keep up there.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Financial Dreams
Due to some circumstances, I'm having to look at what it is I really want out of my future financially, all the things I would like to do in my life, and therefore need to be able to afford. I work better writing things down and who doesn't like to dream of what it is you wish for in life? Its probably something that you also like reading or hearing about others dreams for themselves. So for your reading pleasure:
I like to think that my wants are simple, and that I know the value of simplicity and frugality and the important things of life: family, health, religion, passion. I like to think that I don't overdo or wish beyond my means, and since at this point, I don't know my means and I appreciate having a vision to aspire to, these are my goals or things I would like to attain or possess in this life.
A Home:
So far I know I want it to have 4-5 bedrooms including a master suite with deep jetted tub, a bathroom on the first floor, a "man room" for my husband, and a "me room" for an office/craft room possibly in a loft, a workshop in the garage for crafting, woodworking, etc, a roomy kitchen and quality, comfortable furnishings throughout the home in colors that are pleasing and invigorating to both my husband and I, energy efficient features and as many sustainable materials as possible. We'd like to have enough land for a sizable vegetable garden and I'm enamored with the idea of backyard homesteading. If the home had a stone turret and stained glass windows, I'd be living a dream.
An education for each member of the family:
My husband's PhD is paid for at this point (such a blessing!), as well as my master's degree. Undergraduate college educations for our children are given, but we make the caveat of being willing to pay the equivalent of the LDS subsidy at BYU and not more for a private university. Then there's my PhD that someday I will get but I would hope that would be paid through by fellowships and assistantships, like my husband's. Private schools for my children as they are growing up are an option, and I would like to be able to afford them if we decide to pursue it. Right now we are pursuing a preschool for Willem because it provides a German immersion curriculum and we hope that Willem will be able to pick up enough of the language to be able to converse with my husband in German.
Hobbies:
Hobbies are so expensive but bring a great amount of fulfillment and interest to life. My husband's hobbies are especially expensive: woodworking, guitar and photography. Mine can be expensive too: quilting/sewing, guitar, yoga, and dance. We would like to be financially comfortable enough to buy nice equipment for our hobbies. I'd like to be able to afford dance lessons and yoga classes, as well as maybe someday a industrial embroidery machine and long arm quilter. In our house, we'd like to have a full music room with all of the instruments to make up a rock band. So far, we're just missing the drum set and the microphone. There's something about guitars too, and it seems that people who enjoy playing, also enjoy collecting them. My husband and I are dreaming about this one: http://www.avalonguitars.com/guitars/l300g.php I know my husband wants to build and restore cars with our children as a way to connect, spend time with and teach them as they grow up, that will require a garage and the money for tools, parts and cars.
Travels:
This is where we will likely need the bulk of our wealth. We would very much like to travel to as many places in the world as possible. Our short list is not so short and when we think of travels, we think of being immersed in the local culture by staying for a month or more. That's what we hope to do with a trip to Europe and I would like to stay in Mexico for 3 months or so.
Missions, Philanthropy and Charitable Donations:
My husband and I both have pet causes that we hope assist in accomplishing their goals. My favorites right now are The Coalition for Improving Maternity Services and MomsRising. When we are old enough to have a children out of the house, we strongly desire to serve missions as a married couple for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In serving church missions, there are opportunities to serve around the world from Norway and Ghana to India and Hawaii, as well as opportunities in the continental United States.
I think that covers the range of interests and areas in which money is necessary. Those are my dreams. What are yours?
I like to think that my wants are simple, and that I know the value of simplicity and frugality and the important things of life: family, health, religion, passion. I like to think that I don't overdo or wish beyond my means, and since at this point, I don't know my means and I appreciate having a vision to aspire to, these are my goals or things I would like to attain or possess in this life.
A Home:
So far I know I want it to have 4-5 bedrooms including a master suite with deep jetted tub, a bathroom on the first floor, a "man room" for my husband, and a "me room" for an office/craft room possibly in a loft, a workshop in the garage for crafting, woodworking, etc, a roomy kitchen and quality, comfortable furnishings throughout the home in colors that are pleasing and invigorating to both my husband and I, energy efficient features and as many sustainable materials as possible. We'd like to have enough land for a sizable vegetable garden and I'm enamored with the idea of backyard homesteading. If the home had a stone turret and stained glass windows, I'd be living a dream.
An education for each member of the family:
My husband's PhD is paid for at this point (such a blessing!), as well as my master's degree. Undergraduate college educations for our children are given, but we make the caveat of being willing to pay the equivalent of the LDS subsidy at BYU and not more for a private university. Then there's my PhD that someday I will get but I would hope that would be paid through by fellowships and assistantships, like my husband's. Private schools for my children as they are growing up are an option, and I would like to be able to afford them if we decide to pursue it. Right now we are pursuing a preschool for Willem because it provides a German immersion curriculum and we hope that Willem will be able to pick up enough of the language to be able to converse with my husband in German.
Hobbies:
Hobbies are so expensive but bring a great amount of fulfillment and interest to life. My husband's hobbies are especially expensive: woodworking, guitar and photography. Mine can be expensive too: quilting/sewing, guitar, yoga, and dance. We would like to be financially comfortable enough to buy nice equipment for our hobbies. I'd like to be able to afford dance lessons and yoga classes, as well as maybe someday a industrial embroidery machine and long arm quilter. In our house, we'd like to have a full music room with all of the instruments to make up a rock band. So far, we're just missing the drum set and the microphone. There's something about guitars too, and it seems that people who enjoy playing, also enjoy collecting them. My husband and I are dreaming about this one: http://www.avalonguitars.com/guitars/l300g.php I know my husband wants to build and restore cars with our children as a way to connect, spend time with and teach them as they grow up, that will require a garage and the money for tools, parts and cars.
Travels:
This is where we will likely need the bulk of our wealth. We would very much like to travel to as many places in the world as possible. Our short list is not so short and when we think of travels, we think of being immersed in the local culture by staying for a month or more. That's what we hope to do with a trip to Europe and I would like to stay in Mexico for 3 months or so.
Missions, Philanthropy and Charitable Donations:
My husband and I both have pet causes that we hope assist in accomplishing their goals. My favorites right now are The Coalition for Improving Maternity Services and MomsRising. When we are old enough to have a children out of the house, we strongly desire to serve missions as a married couple for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In serving church missions, there are opportunities to serve around the world from Norway and Ghana to India and Hawaii, as well as opportunities in the continental United States.
I think that covers the range of interests and areas in which money is necessary. Those are my dreams. What are yours?
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Some Cause for Concern
Over the weekend I asked my husband for a priesthood blessing for this pregnancy. He was very unnerved to find that he couldn't say, guided by the Spirit, that this baby would be born healthy and whole. He struggled to find the words that the Spirit was telling him and the only information that we got was that we would be faced with some difficulties this pregnancy but that everything will work out in the end.
We don't know what that means. It could mean something as mundane as me struggling with low energy and taking care of two children, or some normal first trimester bleeding. It would mean events as serious as a miscarriage, a premature birth or complications during labor and birth which necessitate transfer to the hospital for either baby or me. We believe that all things work together for the good of those who experience them (Romans 8:28, D&C 90: 24, D&C 98:3)--that there is purpose in whatever difficulty or challenges we are faced with.
If its an awful, scary outcome for this pregnancy, we trust in the Lord that those experiences will work together for our good. We beleive that through the temple covenants we have made that our children will be ours forever and through the eternities and that any children or family members we lose in this life, we will be reunited with after this life. That is our faith, so we do not shun the prospect of miscarriage or stillborn baby, although we would be deeply disappointed and mourn for our loss. We hope that the worst of our fears won't be realized but we will be accepting of them if they do come to pass.
I have found comfort in the words of the hymn "Come, Come Ye Saints:"
I hope that my readers do not find my attitude cavilier and insensitive. It requires a great deal of facing my biggest fears to be able to post that its okay with me if I should "die before this journey's through." I hope that level of loss is not necessary for my family. I feel needed on this earth to be a mother to my children, to bear future children and to faithfully endure to the end of my long life on this earth. I obtain comfort from recalling my patriarchal blessing and other blessings which I have received that indicates my life will be long and full of love as I watch my children grow and mature.
We don't know what that means. It could mean something as mundane as me struggling with low energy and taking care of two children, or some normal first trimester bleeding. It would mean events as serious as a miscarriage, a premature birth or complications during labor and birth which necessitate transfer to the hospital for either baby or me. We believe that all things work together for the good of those who experience them (Romans 8:28, D&C 90: 24, D&C 98:3)--that there is purpose in whatever difficulty or challenges we are faced with.
If its an awful, scary outcome for this pregnancy, we trust in the Lord that those experiences will work together for our good. We beleive that through the temple covenants we have made that our children will be ours forever and through the eternities and that any children or family members we lose in this life, we will be reunited with after this life. That is our faith, so we do not shun the prospect of miscarriage or stillborn baby, although we would be deeply disappointed and mourn for our loss. We hope that the worst of our fears won't be realized but we will be accepting of them if they do come to pass.
I have found comfort in the words of the hymn "Come, Come Ye Saints:"
Come Come Ye Saints no toil nor labor fear
but with joy wend your way
Though hard to you this journey may appear
Grace shall be as your day
'Tis better far for us to strive
our useless cares from us to drive
Do this and joy, your hearts will swell.
All is well,
All is well.
Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so, all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
if we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins, fresh courage take
Our God will never us forsake.
And soon we'll have this tale to tell,
All is well,
All is well!
And should we die before this journey's through,
Happy is day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow too;
with the just we shall dwell.
But if our lives are spared again
to see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell,
All is well,
All is well!
I hope that my readers do not find my attitude cavilier and insensitive. It requires a great deal of facing my biggest fears to be able to post that its okay with me if I should "die before this journey's through." I hope that level of loss is not necessary for my family. I feel needed on this earth to be a mother to my children, to bear future children and to faithfully endure to the end of my long life on this earth. I obtain comfort from recalling my patriarchal blessing and other blessings which I have received that indicates my life will be long and full of love as I watch my children grow and mature.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Harmony and Healing
Be in harmony;
a musical resonance in tune with all that is.
No willing or desiring of particulars
fixated on illusions separate from the flow of life.
Finding this resonance in whatever circumstance we find ourselves in.
Tuning to our adversary,
in accord with those who offend
Not to simply give in and let them have their way.
Confronting the adversary without adding to and provoking new violence.
Skillfully allowing their violence to pass through us.
Without allowing the poison of their intent to contaminate.
To awaken a consciousness within them of their own trouble.
Turning the other cheek to those who strike.
The other cheek
To offer the same would be masochism, weak acquiescence.
Instead, offering new and unexpected oppostion,
standing our ground,
refusing to be a preditable object;
one that is acted upon.
Willing to face the unavoidable friction and conflict.
Where is the harmony? Is it possible when each attempt end in conflict?
First, we must be in harmony with ourselves.
The first possibility to be in harmony with others is to be in harmony with all aspects of ourselves.
Spirit
Mind
Will
and
Body.
No aspect claiming superiority over another,
integrating instead of dominating.
When finding ourselves out of balance within ourselves,
not seeking indulgence, justification or self-blame.
Acknowledging inner discord: fear, panic and hurt,
then finding inspiration
through the manifestations of peace that in within ourselves;
given by the Spirit of love ebbing throughout the universe
Seeking that integration of all part of our whole, leaving nothing out.
Then once again, turning to attune the vibrations of our souls with the souls of those around us.
Finding the strength to balance and be reconciled.
To be in harmony with ourselves before trying to harmonize with the world.
This poem was insprired by a commentary written by Jean-Yves LeLoup, translator of the Gospel of Mary Magdalene into French and then English. His insights into the text of this gnostic gospel turned my thoughts to the discordant environment I found myself in when I was pregnant with my child. My prenatal care, labor support and birth experience created an adversarial environment between my health and my baby's well-being, where I sought to do what the gospels say: "Be in harmony;" "Be reconciled to thy brother;" "And unto him that smiteth thee on one cheek, offer also the other." I struggle to apply these concepts to my birthing experience, feeling that doing any other that fighting would have further traumatized and damaged me. But then to realize that through standing my ground and not being "an object to be acted upon," that I was turning the other cheek as instructed by the Savior.
At the same time I realized that I was not fully in harmony with myself going into birthing my child. I failed to integrate two important aspects of my being: intellectual preparation and spiritual reliance. Why was I shocked at the care I received at the hospital? I did not take the time to read what the maternity care system is like in the US. Knowing what I know now from my crusade as a birth activist could have prevented the heartache I experienced because I probably would have made different choices regarding the care providers I worked with. Also, I went into labor trusting my body and surrenduring to the natural process of birth. I only acknowledged the aspect of will and body in my being, but left out the spirit. Once again I didn't take the time to do what was necessary: to turn to my God who gave me life, the life that is my own and the life of my unborn child. I failed to "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding." If I had done so, I would have been more prepared and stronger in facing the birthing environment and care providers there.
The section of the Gospel of Mary Magadelene that inspired these thoughts ends with the words,
Those who have ears,
let them hear.
I have heard and understood with my whole being and in turn, give thanks to the Being who created me.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Next Time
I have been carefulling reading and reflecting on Willem's birth story recently and have found some things that I want to change for next time. Those things are the times when things went off course, or I made a decision that I regret now.
First thing:
I'm not going ANYWHERE!
The furthest I may go from my home with be a nice walk on the nature trail or to the shopping center behind my complex. No getting in the car, going to an appointment, going to the hosptial, just to be sent home and go back again.
Next:
Forget the numbers!
I won't worry about dilation, or timing contractions to "prove" to anyone that my labor is for real. As I learned with a newborn, the clock will not be my guide. I will go with the flow of the labor process, trusting my body to do what it knows how to do. I will not impede the progress by stressing out about the numbers like I did last time.
And:
I'm not paying someone to be paranoid for me!
Last time (and I'm still shocked by this fact), I paid an organization to treat me like dirt. I paid them to inflict a trauma on me that led to PTSD and for them to interfere with a process that my body was made to do without "assistance." Their paranoia, time clock, and need to clear the room did not assist me in any way. Also, since I do trust my body to complete the process of birth, I am not going to pay someone to come into my home to worry about "what might go wrong." My husband and I can do enough of that for ourselves. And we can also educate ourselves to learn what to do if that "what if" happens.
This next time, we are relying on our own knowledge and ability to educate ourselves and to have trust in creation. And "if" that something happens, we'll know what to do and where to go to get the assistance needed.
I will also:
Relax!
With Willem's birth, I was so excited to start the marathon that would bring him into my arms that I forgot to rest and conserve strength and energy. I know for next time to take things slowly, as they come, and to sleep when I can. The whole time I was actively doing: focusing, willing my body and baby to hurry up. I know now that is counterproductive and can lead to exhaustion and frustration. Each of the above items will also aid in this goal.
Above all, I will:
TRUST
I am disappointed in myself that I normally approach every life process with faith, prayer, seeking the Spirit of God and when in labor with Willem, I didn't. With Willem's birth, I think I took for granted that the Lord would be my help and I didn't turn to him during the time I was working to bring his spirit child into the world. Next time, I will seek the comfort, guidance and inspiration of the Spirit by seeking a priesthood blessing from my husband who has given me countless blessings in the time we have been married. The birth of a child is a sacred event that I will welcome the great Creator to attend this time and through trust in His process, I be confident in the ability I have been given to become a mother.
First thing:
I'm not going ANYWHERE!
The furthest I may go from my home with be a nice walk on the nature trail or to the shopping center behind my complex. No getting in the car, going to an appointment, going to the hosptial, just to be sent home and go back again.
Next:
Forget the numbers!
I won't worry about dilation, or timing contractions to "prove" to anyone that my labor is for real. As I learned with a newborn, the clock will not be my guide. I will go with the flow of the labor process, trusting my body to do what it knows how to do. I will not impede the progress by stressing out about the numbers like I did last time.
And:
I'm not paying someone to be paranoid for me!
Last time (and I'm still shocked by this fact), I paid an organization to treat me like dirt. I paid them to inflict a trauma on me that led to PTSD and for them to interfere with a process that my body was made to do without "assistance." Their paranoia, time clock, and need to clear the room did not assist me in any way. Also, since I do trust my body to complete the process of birth, I am not going to pay someone to come into my home to worry about "what might go wrong." My husband and I can do enough of that for ourselves. And we can also educate ourselves to learn what to do if that "what if" happens.
This next time, we are relying on our own knowledge and ability to educate ourselves and to have trust in creation. And "if" that something happens, we'll know what to do and where to go to get the assistance needed.
I will also:
Relax!
With Willem's birth, I was so excited to start the marathon that would bring him into my arms that I forgot to rest and conserve strength and energy. I know for next time to take things slowly, as they come, and to sleep when I can. The whole time I was actively doing: focusing, willing my body and baby to hurry up. I know now that is counterproductive and can lead to exhaustion and frustration. Each of the above items will also aid in this goal.
Above all, I will:
TRUST
I am disappointed in myself that I normally approach every life process with faith, prayer, seeking the Spirit of God and when in labor with Willem, I didn't. With Willem's birth, I think I took for granted that the Lord would be my help and I didn't turn to him during the time I was working to bring his spirit child into the world. Next time, I will seek the comfort, guidance and inspiration of the Spirit by seeking a priesthood blessing from my husband who has given me countless blessings in the time we have been married. The birth of a child is a sacred event that I will welcome the great Creator to attend this time and through trust in His process, I be confident in the ability I have been given to become a mother.
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